My goal weight is:
2020 never happened.
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There is no panic like the panic you feel when you think you may have clogged the toilet at someone else’s house.
I opened a bottle of wine to let it breathe.
It didn’t. So I gave it mouth to mouth.
I can’t find anything in my job description about being awake
before puppy: ‘i’ma jump in the shower’
after puppy: ‘i’ma jump in the oven’
“Dad, are we pyromaniacs?”
” Yes, we arson.”
5: if you take a shortcut in a food maze, it’s not cheating it’s eating
Oh hey, sorry I accidentally rolled out of your bed, across your floor, down the stairs, out the door, into my car and back in my own bed.
Sometimes I feel like Twitter has run its course. Then I remember everyone here hates running.
90 people have swine flu and everybody wants to wear a mask. A million people have AIDS and nobody wants to wear a condom.
[pokes your baby with a stick]
what’s it do?
2night’s funniest bit: a fellow comic enters the room &, given a choice between talking w/ me & w/ a homeless man, chooses the homeless man.
Some of you never rooted for Godzilla and it shows.
For my next trick, I’ll be at a bar then magically reappear face down on my bedroom floor without a clue how I got there.
Cops: you’re not allowed to drink in a moving car
Some Guy: what if it’s a really long car
Cops: oh well that’s different
Just saw a Fiat & a Mini Cooper get into a head on collision. It was horrible… there was glitter everywhere.
boss: hi
me: *pretends to read an email*
boss: did u just say “pretends to read an email”
I always pencil in 45 minutes in my calendar when asking my daughter a question.
Y’know the trouble with nude dancing is that not everything stops when the music does.
Leia: You owe child support.
Han: What? I’m in hyperspace.
Leia: You’re standing right here
Han: *makes hyperdrive noises with his mouth*
You overpack for vacation and most of the stuff you don’t even wear, but your clothes need a vacation too. They seem to enjoy it.
*Walks into brothel*
One chicken soup to go please
Last night my mother-in-law read me all her political retweets.
How was your night?
I’m a self-made hundredaire
“I just talk a lot when I’m nervous.”
-Narrator: In reality, she talked a lot, all the time.
Husband: I love everything about you.
Me: Even my toe hair?
H: What toe hair?
Me: *tears up* That’s the most romantic thing you’ve ever said to me.
[literally every petting zoo]
Zookeeper: wanna pet a goat?
Me: [shrugs] I guess
Zookeeper: k cool. Cuz we got, like, 90% goats here.
Se7en, but instead of deadly sins, the murders are based on different Smurfs.
Welcome to your 40s, being amazing in bed now is just not waking up your partner with your snoring.
Parkour was invented in 1973 when a guy tripped in front of a hot girl and tried to play it off
If one door closes & another door opens, you’re probably in prison.