Writers who become addicted to pseudonyms have to join Anonymous Anonymous.
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I’ve been turned down so many times they call me bedspread.
Did you know?
A cowbird will sneak into another bird’s nest, lay her egg, and leave it for the other bird to raise.
And I’ll be damned if that isn’t the best parenting hack I’ve ever heard.
When people start a sentence with “believe it or not” I’m like wow, those are two very good options
Welcome to your forties, you’re now wondering why younger people are so dumb
I’m sick of people not taking me seriously *Throws jester hat down in disgust*
“Can’t Take My Eyes Off You” by Frankie Valli can come on and I’m all about it, singing that horn section and getting real loud I LOVE YOU BABY AND IF IT’S QUITE ALRIGHT I NEED YOU BABY.. u do that too don’t lie
I accidentally hired a wordsmith instead of a locksmith and now my latched threshold has been compromised by a metallic puzzle solver.
Every kid in my second grader’s class is assigned a “job” each week, most are things like watering the plants or sharpening pencils but one of the jobs is “tech support” because every 7-year-old knows more about technology than the teacher.
Yesterday 9 asked what’s the meaning of life and 6 punched him, but that was yesterday when I was on acid. Numbers don’t usually talk to me.
A guy on Catfish dated a girl for 4 years despite only seeing ONE picture of her. I wouldn’t buy a futon on Craigslist with only one pic.
Me: *eating 3rd Twix of the day*
Her: You eat too much candy, you’re going to make me a widow
Me: *orders 10 truckloads & cancels all plans*
I use the yellow colored emojis. My wife uses the flesh colored ones. Somehow we make things work.
Yes I am that gift that keeps on giving most people the finger.
Ann: I wanna break up
Ed: why?
A: you use time travel to manipulate me
E: when, exactly, did you start to suspect this?
A: well… Hey!
Good for you, the 3 people trying to keep MySpace alive. Good. For. You.
My toddler woke me up last night to tell me it wasn’t morning yet, which to be honest is the same level of hard hitting journalism cable news provides.
The face palm is the only houseplant you can’t kill
Him: …and I asked you out because you’re smart and pret-WHY ARE YOU POKING ME WITH A STICK?
Me: To see if you’re real or if I’m just high
principal: your resume says you only teach subtraction?
me: I just want to make a difference
[Preens and poses in front of security camera]
*Shoplifts makeup and diet products*
Security Guard: Let her have it.
“on your left u see fred in camo, on your right is bertha, she has ridden many miles on that electric cart.” If walmart had tour guides.
My mind is like a sponge.
It spends most of its time in filthy places.
Wait. I thought I was watching Hoarders. Looks like things are heating up!
Roommate and I got our first electric bill and long story short we’re now Amish
4-year-old: What’s “saying grace?”
Me: It’s when we thank the one who provided our food.
4-year-old: We thank the microwave?
My neighbor was all like sorry I can’t stop to chat I’m running late. And I was all like it’s my lucky day. And she was like what. And I was all like have a great day!
*in court for murder*
I’m appreciate your feedback on not killing people. I’m listening, learning and growing.
[introductions at a party]
Me: this is my first wife
Her: and current wife
Me: and these are her kids
Her: they’re also his
Me: we keep it friendly
Her: on account of we’re still married
Me: and I love these kids like they’re my own
Her: because they are
Don’t mistake my kindness, or my inability to do one (1) pull-up, for weakness.
These aren’t even hard anymore.