[spelling bee]
“Your word is stupid”
ME: Well give me a different one then
“No, that’s your word…stupid”
ME: Maybe you’re the stupid one
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It’s funny how Twitter dropped the egg avi and now people are using apps to smooth out their faces so much, they all look like eggs.
Wife: It’s time for a vacation.
Me: Where do YOU want to go?
Wife: Hmm… Maybe the Bahamas?
Me: Great idea! And, I’LL go camping upstate!
when your food arrives but you have to wait for everyone else at the table
I just want to meet a man the old fashioned way: While being exchanged for livestock.
#FeaturesIWishMyHouseHad
Wish it had walls
She’s got a great personality!
It’s the other 6 personalities that I’m worried about….
Underwear…
Because every present needs to be wrapped.
*watches a show about global warming*
Yeah whatever, doesn’t affect me.*watches a show about bear attacks*
Would I be able to take a bear?
“I’d like to raise a toast.”
*Cradles bread in arms, accepting this step into motherhood*
[Zombie Apocalypse]
Him: Pack your go-bag. No nonessentials.
Me: KMascara
Record player
Albums
Like 4 of his hoodies
Vodka
Charger
Katana
800 thread count sheets
Books
Cheese*dies*
Bull: I want to show you my leather saddle
Cow: Can you not?
-50 Shades of Graze
I always draw track marks on my arms and cough a lot when visiting family so that no one asks me to hold their baby or help prepare food.
[deparment store]
Employee: ma’am, i’m sorry but we only allow service animals inside
Me: this is my service dog *gestures to snake wearing a labrador retriever costume*
Snake: woofssssss
Shit magnet has been purchased! Now we will always remember our trip to Crabonela.
Welcome to parenting class. First I will need you to walk barefoot across this floor strewn with legos. Now try to make a dog clean a bedroom. Finally take that pile of money and set it on fire. Congratulations. You’re ready. Here is your baby.
My dad went from “no man is good enough for my little girl” to “would you just pick one already? Jobs aren’t even that important” real quick
My child: Picks cookie with the most icing
Also my child: Won’t eat the cookie unless every bit of extra icing is carefully scraped off
“these edibles aint shit”
me 45 minutes later:
On this day eleven years ago, Greece won Euro 2004.
Today, Greece would be happy with 2004 Euros.
I run my house like a well oiled machine; specifically a runaway train
[answering my shoe like a phone] hold on i can’t hear you let me put you on sneaker
Well, like I said to my television the other day. “How can these people be so stupid?!?”
Welcome to earth! You have a choice of private parts. Would you like the one that creates life & bleeds or the constant bad decision maker?
When I was a kid $100 was a lot of money. Just like it is now.
As an adult, I’m most afraid when my children’s toys randomly make noise and nobody is in their rooms….
“Somebody needs to go to the store!”-mom yelling from the kitchen
“Jason, you think you’re somebody. Why don’t you go to the store?”- Dad
After ten true crime podcasts you start to think you could probably solve a murder. After a hundred you start to think you could probably get away with one.
“All of everything is about balance,” she says juggling three chainsaws, five flaming bowling balls, & a chicken named Englebert.
him: 911, what’s your emergency
me: a home invasion
him: can have a unit there in 10 minutes
me: they’re armed
him: 5 minutes
me: they switched my toilet paper from over to under
swat team: [already crashing thru the windows]