The bruises on my arms? They are definitely NOT from getting my arms stuck in the UPS drop box.
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It wasn’t weird until my husband asked why I didn’t send him the nudes I made him take of me.
What do ppl who say “please excuse the mess” when their house is like a museum, want from us?
You know you’re old when the “I’ve fallen and I can’t get up” ads aren’t funny anymore.
Spent the entire day milking a single almond.
Me: So many women flirt with me on Twitter all the time.
Wife: Cool. Now you have lots of woman to also not have sex with.
My friend posted on Facebook that he’s hosting an improv show and every single person reacted with the “care” emoji.
Ah yes let me just fashion a mask out of a bandana. First I’ll head over to the bandana drawer in my dresser, where I keep my myriad bandanas.
Quick tip for people who use mobile telephones:
If you’re tired of throwing away phones every time your battery dies, check out “phone chargers”. It’s a device that restores your phone’s battery. I recently invested in one and now I no longer need to buy a new phone every day
Tammy is short for Tamuel
Being my friend is great because I will probably make you a lasagna at some point but terrible because I will make you listen to a five hour Spotify playlist
Me: [touches wife’s arm] ⚡️ZAP⚡️
Wife: hey you shocked me!
Me: oh no! I am so sorry.
Wife: it’s ok. it’s not like you did it on purpose.
Me: [under breath] pika pika.
Then it should stop looking so damn comfortable
COP: do you know why I pulled you over?
COP’S WIFE: *now next to him on the couch* Because you’re scared of the movie
COP: Yes it’s too real
*watches the world burn*
Wait hamburger chips aren’t potato chip flavored hamburgers I’ve been living a lie
Dad: *getting grill ready* I need some lighter fluid
Me: *ties a balloon to his drink*
Dad: *sniff* I’m so proud of you
Quick, is ANYONE on this plane a singer?
Me: I brought you some bird seed.
Rad Pigeon: Coo’
#parenting
fish:
eagle: omg ur drowning I’ll save you
Attractive women post selfies and refer to themselves as ugly. As a group, if we begin agreeing with them we could stop that shit quick.
Don’t believe what others say about you, they know nothing. For example, in 4th grade my teacher said I was going to grow up and be successful and she was wrong on both accounts
This is a bad idea on so many levels.
Great news everyone! Brontosaurus is a planet again.
life coach: be the best version of yourself
me: I am
life coach: hahaha wait are you serious
friend: the bathroom is upstairs
me(drunk): wtf? *pees pants*
People ask what personal grooming products I use. I just get whatever is on offer in the supermarket, so this week cat food & grapes.
My boss calls me “The computer”
Not because of my calculation skills but because I go to sleep when left unattended for 15 minutes.
If someone is jogging at 7am on a Sunday – it’s because they’ve just killed someone right?