A friend was talking about her cat bringing her another dead mouse and my ADHD brain did a side quest imagining my snake calling a cat for Door Dash.
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Can’t believe I have to spend the rest of my life living the rest of my life
I just walked into my bedroom and said to my husband, “I can’t believe you forgot what day today is,” then walked out and slammed the door.
“What’d you do this weekend?”
I was shooting craps.
“Oh you went to a casino?”
*flashback to blasting dog turds with shotgun* Um, yeah.
Disney movies taught me there’s nothing I can’t accomplish as long as my parents die a brutal untimely death.
ME: *turns around instead of wiping the steam off my bathroom mirror*
SERIAL KILLER BEHIND ME: okay wow way to ruin the moment
Army guy: sniper in the clock tower, 6 o’clock
Me [seeing the time on the clock tower says 5 o’clock]: we’ll worry about him in an hour then
If you look in the mirror & say “pumpkin spice latte” 3x a white suburban girl will appear & tell you everything she loves about the fall
Me squiggling in heated car seat: now I know what meat in a crockpot feels like
Being in my twenties in the seventies was a lot better than being in my seventies in the twenties.
Keep salespeople from pestering you by asking what type of saw can cut through bone and sinew the quickest.
Knees weak arms are heavy he has osteoporosis already, he’s only twenty.
Pros & cons of being a skeleton:
Cons: no sex, love, food, friendship, books, music, movies, art..
Pros: you can play your rib cage like a xylophone
I don’t think my family will ever accept me.
First it’s “get a hobby,” now it’s “stop sacrificing our chickens to lesser-known gods.”
41 years old and I find myself in the grip of an identity crisis. Do I became a hat guy or a shaved-head guy?
Good Witch: I present you with some magical ruby slippers!
Dorothy: Oh wow, what do they do?
Good Witch: If you click the heels they will send you to Kansas.
Dorothy: …What else you got?
After speaking with the psychiatrist, I’ve learned that “hungry” is in fact NOT an emotion. So I’m in the market for a new psychiatrist.
gonna mess with my husband by texting “send nudes” when he’s in a work meeting
Our 50 favourite Christmas tweets of 2021.
Everyone is a surgeon when you wash your hands and have to walk across the room for the towel.
I wear flip-flops because I hate sneaking up on people.
Your password must contain a character still living in Game of Thrones
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Password expired
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Password expired
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Password ex…
Mother in law said if she was married to me, she’d poison my wine. I said if I was married to her, I’d drink it.
ME: So how fast are you at making suits?
TAYLOR SWIFT: …
Obama’s gonna take all your decorative soaps.
*CAN’T OPEN THE PICKLE JAR*
SHERLOCK: (suspiciously) Moriarty…
If anyone on the street asks for directions – give directions to YOUR house. Then run home, put on music and wait for your new best friend!
I turned off the TV today and made my kids play board games like it was 1955 and now I know why all of our grandparents were alcoholics
“Everything the light touches is ours,” I tell my son while opening the fridge.
Facebook is a great platform to find long lost friends to borrow money from.