Say what you want about my short term memory…unless you already have…
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To level the playing field, online dating sites should require using the picture in your driver’s license.
Hello and welcome to our “help! my toddler won’t stop crying because I wouldn’t let her nap with a slice of cheese” support group, there’s free coffee in the back.
Myth: Have kids close in age. It gets easier and they’ll have a friend to play with
Fact: They’ll fight. Every hour. Every day.
[at the doctors]
me: *opens wide and goes ahh*
proctologist: how the hell r u doing that?
With the holidays upon us, please dont forget what they stand for. Family, friends & punching strangers at the mall because they cut in line
Satan: it’s just… people usually ask for something a little more substantial in exhange for their soul
Me: *straining to reach the remote* are you going to hand it to me or not??
Most of what I know about pre-communist Russia I learned from Boney M
After Samsung phones, now Samsung washing machines are exploding. Samsung is now the third biggest nuclear power after US and Russia.
Every photo I’m tagged in
Me: oh no please stop stabbing me
Murderer: your sarcasm is ruining this
Me:Come in. It’s not like I’m a serial killer.
Him:*laughs nervously*
Me: *laughing* u have to murder more than 2 ppl for it to be serial
The Beatles: 🎶 lend me your ears and I’ll sing you a song
Van Gogh: here you go
Womb is pronounced as “woom” and tomb as “toom”.
It’s only fair that bomb should go “boom”.
*job interview*
“Where do you see yourself in five years?”
“Mirrors, puddles of water. Basically anything with a reflective surface.”
Judge: I find him… not guilty
*Tom Brady breathes a sigh of relief*
Cop: *cuffing him* So that’s where the air was, huh? We finally gotcha
If you walk around eating a potato like an apple, no one will bother you.
Of course my kids are well mannered because when I tell them things like get ready for bed, they politely ask me “Did mommy say that?”
Yes. You rt’d me 14 times in a row. Thanks.
You are first in line for my liver when the time comes.
My mom: I cringe when I hear people say things like “I got my hair did” or “I’m shook”
My niece: ok grammar
If using your 4yo as a remote control to fetch things makes you a bad parent, then I’m a bad parent…
A bad parent with an ice cold beer.
me: how many trees do you see in this picture?
my toddler: all of them.
Imagine being a medium and having to talk to dead people as well as living people. That’s too many people.
murderer: I can see your feet poking out from under your race car bed
me: just changing the oil
*at store*
Random guy: Do you have the time?
Me: 6:30.
Random guy: Thanks. I lost my watch and I have no idea where I put the dang —
Me: Shhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhh. We’re done here.
Remember that the most popular man in the village was its idiot.
*throws coin in fountain*
stranger: can you not do that?
Me: just want my wish to come true
S: this is a drinking fountain
m: wish came true
Someone already tweeted it’s hot outside.
Delete your tweet.
people in fantasy novels absolutely love removing from their knapsack some bread and hard cheese
[Bending down with my hands on my knees]
“Where is your mother?”
~ me to anyone under the age of 30