The club can’t even handle me right now. Like, the club’s just had a very emotionally draining day and the club’s been in a weird place.
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Since it’s hunting season, we are allowed to shoot the cars with the antlers on them, right?
Can’t go to sleep. I’m not sure if I should blame the cup of coffee I had at noon or vintage clown doll sitting at the foot of my bed.
Me: can I check my account balance?
Sperm bank employee: it doesn’t work like that
The flight attendant asked if I’d like some wine and I said no but my kids would they need to sleep and she looked shocked so anyway I may have a date with cps upon landing
My daughter does this thing where she copies EVERYTHING the dog does; Bark, beg, fetch etc. It was adorable!
Until the dog humped the couch
A robot steals your job. It hurts, but that’s how the economy works. Nothing personal. The robot starts texting your wife.
Clerk: Why do you need 200 condoms?
Me: I have a beard and an accent. *winks*
*Spends night making balloon animals
Software Development ⛵️
I sent youse two to whack that freakin’ guy and instead youse screwed it up like a couple of
I forgot the word for stylist and called it looksmith.
I generally don’t trim my ear hair until it effects my peripheral vision.
*sends epic tweet*
[no likes 3 hours later]
*waits 2 weeks, sends again*
[no likes 1 day later]
*starts typing*
NSA: dude, let it go
Just got my invitation to Lady Gaga’s wedding reception. I can choose between beef or chicken. Not for the meal, that’s the dress code.
Cheese makes everything better…
*sprinkles parmesan on broken leg*
Me, at concert: [ironically] Freebird!
Band: *plays Freebird*
Me: Well that backfired.
My wife is just 3 days younger than me…
So I’ve gotten into the habit of saying “when I was of your age…” and then describing what I did 3 days ago.
23. RT @Highlights: Parents, at what age do you think it’s okay for a child to get his or her own cell phone?
If you say safety in Numbers you haven’t read Numbers.
me: *texting* I hate to leave this in a text, but due to the new variant, I’m not coming for the holidays
spouse: *walking in the room* Did you just leave me a text?
My guy friend was like “I went out last night with a girl who is really flexible so you know what that means…” and it’s like, ‘oh yeah, it means your crew has finally found a grease man for the big heist’.
Stalker status update: Good news-I’m not in your house.
The bad news-I am UNDER your house and the tunnel is complete.
*Goes to a monastery knocks on the door. A monk answers the door.
Monk: (smiles) Hello. May I help you?
Me: By Chance is your name Chip?
Monk: What?
Me: If your name is Chip that would make you Chip-Monk! Get it? Like Alvin yah know?
Monk: *Whispers “Thou Shall Not Kill”.
Just now on tube. Man in rush loses coat draped round shoulders in train doors. Woman retrieves it and calls out ‘Batman, your cape.’
I’ve noticed many of my friends are in The Grapefruit Window, which means they’re old enough to enjoy eating grapefruit but not yet on medication that prevents them from eating grapefruit.
*opens “Job Interview Handbook”
*reads “dress for the job you want”
*goes to computer
*opens browser
*Googles “ladies’ bicycle seat costume”
godzilla: lol KING kong, a little pretentious aren’t we
king kong: oh you’re one to talk
The first guy to stain glass was probably like, “oh no”
Nothing makes me more stabby than when my husband ignores me and starts talking to the dog.
Not sure if i should be proud of this or not, but our employee handbook had 37 new rules added since i started working here.
Whenever I’m willing to sell my soul, there’s usually food involved.