5: I love this pizza. can you marry food?
You Might Also Like
Sleeping Beauty is my favorite story about how any sweet princess will activate her fire breathing dragon if you wake her up from a nap.
Cop: Open the trunk please
Me: *suddenly defensive*
I have a permit for thatCop: Okay you don’t need a permit but why is it full of Queso?
*school is cancelled indefinitely*
My kids: Mom, why are you crying?
Guy about to invent archery: I want to stab that guy over there but I don’t want to walk.
absolutlely despise when a recipe tells me to add 2 cups of onion. they don’t come in cups. they come in onions.
Friend: My in-laws have been married for 57 years today.
Me: Gross.
Interviewer: Any questions?
Me: Is a personal shopper someone who just goes on Amazon for you now?
Me: How long should I microwave this for?
Popcorn instructions: How should we know?
Please don’t forget what Christmas is really about.
Asking your 30 year old cousin when she’s going to start having babies.
[Calling doctor’s office]
Lady: When is your child’s birthday?
Me: *panic* click
Cheers Twitter.
[first day on a new job]
Me: I’ll admit. I’m a workaholic. I tend to bring my work home with me.
Zoo keeper: Put down the penguin.
I’m boycotting 50 Shades of Grey because it perpetuates the stereotype that men can change.
Got into a bar fight last night about how to pronounce Steve Buscemi’s name. We later shook hands when Buscemi agreed that I was right
If you want someone to sing 2 seconds before or after they’re supposed to then I’m your girl
Her: Do you wanna do it?
Me: Do what?
Her: It.
Me: What’s it?
Her: You know… It.
Me: Oh… I call first player.
Her: Wait, what?
“i used to live in india, now I live in indiana”
“is there a difference?”
“na”
The “self-lubricated catheter” and the “discreet pocket catheter” have me rethinking what role catheters ought to be playing in my life.
Saw @justinbieber on a piece of toast. Am I going to hell?
Mashed potatoes with the skin still on them was invented by a person who was peeling potatoes and eventually said screw it.
My kid didn’t like how his stuffed animal was behaving, so he renamed him Not-Listening-Ostrich, and I’m just over here wondering how to update some birth certificates
[first day in the Coast Guard]
Sea Captain: HELP MY SHIP IS SINKING!
Me: [lying in boat hammock] sorry buddy, I joined the Coast Guard not the Work Hard Guard.
As my kid gets older he goes to bed later, which means he hangs out longer, which means *I* have to stay up later to get my alone time, which means by the time he’s 13, I’ll be going to bed at sunrise.
employee: how does it look?
vampire in a changing room: I can’t see myself wearing this
I don’t know why Coca-Cola and Pepsi are fighting over what Santa drinks, everybody knows that big fat belly can only come from beers.
When I say “I’m open to feedback” I mean “I accept compliments.”
Rt to bother an English speaker
Me: I hate how someone keeps putting advertising flyers on my windshield and forcing me to throw them away.
Friend: Flyers for what?
Me: Some club called VIOLATION.
If you’re not suppose to eat late at night, then why is there a light in the refrigerator?!
Must be a very worrying time for anyone who has dumped a body in a reservoir.