“Put cheese on it.”
“It’s not-”
“Put cheese on it.”
“Really now, you-”
“Everything gets better with cheese on it.”
“Sir, it’s a BROKEN LEG.”
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if you find yourself struggling creatively take a step back and realize that you are also struggling financially so at least you’re consistent
local news anchors be like “dry cleaners robbed. more as it unfolds” or “priceless da Vinci stolen. details are sketchy” or “pool hall tables vandalized. cops have just scratched the surface” or “building elevator plunges. residents feel shafted” or “
The great thing about having four kids is having four people to watch me bring in the groceries all by myself.
If Rocky 4 couldn’t improve Russia and US relations then nothing will
just saw a guy pull down his sunglasses and look at a firetruck go by like a sexy lady in an 80s movie
I’m looking for a very tall gf to reach the cookies, or a very small gf I can lift up to get the cookies.
I don’t go to Starbucks very often. It’s intimidating. I never know how to order. Last time I ended up with a cup of hot dog water.
do what now??
I don’t like to sit down for bad news because I never want to ruin sitting down.
Although I’m not exactly overjoyed with my single status. I thank God I’m not married to the obviously married guy hitting on me.
How many mystery writers does it take to screw in a light bulb?
Two: One to screw it almost all the way in and the other to give it a surprising twist at the end
If I’m being honest, a Seven Nation Army probably could hold me back.
PILOT: if you look out the window you’ll see we’re cruising at 35,000 feet
[i look out the window]
[THE SKY IS FULL OF FEET JESUS CHRIST]
Today there were a few deer in the backyard looking hungry so I tromped out there with a bucket of corn and the entire flock of turkeys came out of nowhere charging at me. It was quite unsettling but we’re all fine.
*Prosecution points to badger*: Objection! This animal has no place in court!
Defense: Your honor, the badger is prosecuting the witness
Goodyear: tires
Badyear: 2020
I’m wearing a tuxedo to work today in protest of casual Friday.
When a man reaches 50, he starts to realize he’s got only 6 or 7 more Batmans left.
My neighbor won a hay show. Hay like in grass that livestock eats. There’s a show for it
a shrimp? am i to accept, as god’s own truth, that the sea’s very own abominable and chittering roach, was the one who took wok into hand and fried this rice?
It still really upsets me that my dog stopped talking to me around the same time I gave up taking hallucinogenic drugs.
Zen master: Do you possess the Buddha nature?
Me: Well, I’ve spent 49 days under a tree. But that was just laziness.
I want to run my fingers through your spaghetti.
Hair. I mean hair. Sorry, I’m starving.
Legend has it there are 13 ways to have sex. So far, all I’ve found is 1 and it wasn’t even that great since all we used was my imagination.
The toddler has started to understand more of my BAD language. So my swear words have become a bit more PG… Fudgesicles! Oh Sugar! Sweet Nibblets! Holy Guacamole!
Basically, swearing now makes me hungry.
I would make a good cat because I also like to pause in the middle of a fight to lick my own shoulder real fast
It was midnight. I was alone and online with a lot of available credit. I saw an ad for boots. The perfect storm began. I bought shoes, a bra, 11 pounds of tomato sauce, a life-size elephant inflatable, and two used cars.
“Thanks for turning me into an expression of contempt. Sorry about making delicious nourishment so damned accessible.”
-Low-hanging fruit
APOLLO: I’ll be god of the sun
HERMES: OK I’ll take light-
A: I’m also light
ARTEMIS: I’ll take music
A: No I’m also music. That’s me too
*does Basic Instinct leg cross*
*remembers I’m wearing jeans*