The best thing about going to see a film with your child is them insisting on going to the toilet 2 minutes before the end.
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My vocabulary can beat your vocabulary’s ass, arse, bum, buttocks, rear end, booty, backside, tush, tuckus and badonkadonk.
waiter: what’ll it be?
cow: grass
horse: grass
sheep: grass
pig: *straightening his bowtie* a truffle
4 out of 5 dentists recommend Trident sugarless gum. The 5th dentist is busy butchering protected wildlife.
You wash your hands more now, sure, but it’s still been a year since you’ve cleaned your microwave.
Lorde wrote her Grammy nominated album at age 14. My son is 13 and has let the bathtub overflow twice while he was sitting INSIDE of it.
Forty is the new thirty!
At least it is according to the loan shark to whom I now owe an additional ten grand.
What is bluesky and is it pronounced like a cloudless day or a Polish last name?
I hate it when a stick of butter goes rogue and leaps out of the refrigerator at me when I open the door.
By the end of shelter at home, my house will be spotless. Oh sure, I’ll be drunk and confused, but so will the germs.
Childless friend: “My kid will NEVER -”
Me: [Dabs her mouth with toilet paper]
Her: What are you doing!?
Me: You just have a little bit of bullshit coming out of your mouth right now.
You play the victim so well you probably have chalk in your pocket to outline your body
Back-to-school tip for parents: while not explicitly forbidden, it is frowned upon to spray champagne on the hood of a departing school bus.
My current hobbies include buying crap that my kids don’t need and complaining that my kids’ crap is everywhere.
It sucks when something bad happens to someone you hate. Nobody will let you gloat. It’s like you can’t even enjoy your own joy.
Dr: I need a urine and stool sample.
Me: *hands him my underwear*
Dr:……
Me: Its all there.
Me: Honey, have you seen my beer?
Wife: Did you check in the shower?
Me: OOOH!!! Good thinking!
It’s pretty and I’m a Taurus so naturally, I can’t help myself.
*in a Chinese restaurant*
Who is the manager?
“No, Ji is the manager, Hu is the owner”
How should I know? You’re the one who works here
the women in tampon commercials should switch places with the women in antidepressant commercials
The divorce rate is almost at 60%. How does Cupid keep his job with that level of failure?
{If autocorrect was a person}
ME: I think that’s right.
AUTOCORRECT: It’s not.
ME: Then what is it?
AUTOCORRECT: I don’t know, dude. Aubergine?
ME: You think I meant aubergine?
AUTOCORRECT: Look, I know literally all of the words, and that was none of them. Maybe this is on you.
ME: OMG I love quizzes. Next question!
COP: Where were you the night of murder?
ME: I can understand why, it’s so silky and luxurious.
THEM: Huh? I said I worship Satan.
ME: Oh. I thought you said “satin.”
I do NOT have a drinking problem. I use a straw so technically it’s a “sipping” problem.
If you take your teddy bear into the woods you’re not allowed to be surprised if it comes to life.
Learn what car your boss drives so you don’t give her the finger in the parking garage. I know that now
Me: hey what’s this weird lump?
WebMD: could be cancer.
Me: it’s a raisin stuck to my elbow…
WebMD: you have two weeks.
I got asked for nudes once and I was like, “No, I’m married.” And he was like, “Yeah, I know. I’m your husband.”
Inventor of rice cakes: What if chewing air made a noise?
[Restaurant]
Me *has a sip and nods at date* yes, that’s fine, we’ll have a bottleWaiter: One ketchup coming up