[car wreck]
[hand reaches out]“Take my hand. I’m Chad Kroeger from the popular band Nickelback.”
[I let the flames slowly bake me alive]
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Australia is like someone’s still playing jumanji
Not to brag but I read the instructions before I did something today. I didn’t follow them, but still.
Even Forrest Gump got laid.
This is bullshit.
6yo: what do old people eat?
me: when I’m old I’m going to eat children.
6yo: you’re joking, mom. you’re already old.
Let’s raise our glasses. I’ll say something then we all touch glasses to acknowledge what I said. We’ll name this action after cooked bread
I told my doctor I broke my leg in two places. He said I should prolly not go to those places anymore.
Canadians: Maybe they’re born with it, maybe it’s maple leaf.
friend: why are you crying?
me: I’m having trouble dealing my grandma’s passing
grandma: *slinging a football at my head* just catch it, nerd
Yes, I have a fitness app. I use it to time how long it takes the pizza delivery guy to get here.
I love the smell of a camp fire. It reminds me of the night we kille….
…..I just love smell of campfires.
I can’t get over the fact that the word “gullible” upside-down looks like a cat.
I think my brother and I just solved The Duh Vinci Code
Cleaned bathroom sink half hour ago. Then trimmed mustache over sink. Oh … That’s what all those women I lived with were complaining about.
[businessman shakes my hand]
Me: ahh yes, a handshake, from the handshake meme
Now that I’m vaccinated I’m up for any social activity as long as it starts at six, ends by seven, involves food and doesn’t require real pants.
“Ever wonder why Rice Krispies costs the same as quieter cereals?”
why would-
“It’s because they’re sold by weight-“
Dan, NO
“not by volume”
Mom: I think I’m gonna make a twitter
Me: Mom it costs like $500 a year…
Mom: That’s expensive I’ll stick with Facebook
Me: Aww too bad
[solicitor reading my will]
“He [takes off glasses & pinches bridge of nose],
He wants to donate his arm to the drummer from Def Leppard”.
Dad: Your grandpa used to cut the grass before he died, but now he’s-
Son: Dad please don’t…
Dad: Lawn gone.
Customer Service: “Would you take a minute to fill out this survey?”
Me: “Wouldn’t you rather save that for someone you actually helped?”
8:00AM *starts peeling an egg*
4:00PM *finishes peeling an egg*
Sober or not if the police ask me to recite the alphabet backwards I’ll just put myself in the back seat of their car.
Me: *checking weather on phone*
3: Mommy, are you texting Peppa Pig?
Me:
3:
Me: Yes, we go way back.
Look, just because Jeff Bezos looks like Lex Luthor & acts like Lex Luthor, doesn’t…uh oh.
Shia LaBeouf always manages to come back into our lives at the exact moment we forget how to spell his last name
My sex life is like Coca-Cola; first it was normal, then light and now zero.
Celery is depressing green water wafers.
[interview]
“Any special talents?”
I can unlock any fingerprint reader
“By hacking?”
[flashes back to hacking off victims’ fingers] Yes
People this one of the best days ever (next to the time with the guy in a van) @funTweeters is now following me- suck it Dane Cook
Hamburger Helper only works if the hamburger is ready to accept that it needs help.