[trying out my magic tricks for the first time]
*sawing person in half*
Funeral director: *wrestling me away from casket*
You Might Also Like
‘I just call it like I see it…’ -People giving their unsolicited opinion about their unsolicited opinions.
The woman in line behind apparently wants to slowly put her body inside of mine.
My favorite part about Black Friday is the part where I go to the mall, find a great parking spot & sit in my car with the reverse lights on
this is going to be a tight week. is stealing still wrong and stuff?
Them: You should spend time with the ones you love. You never know when they’ll be taken from you.
Me: You’re absolutely right.
[buys the concert tickets]
Her: Going out with the girls.
Me: Please give my best to the coven.
Her:
Me: Did I say that out loud?
WOMAN: [watching my son roll around on the floor] some people shouldn’t have children
ME: [placing my son in her shopping cart] thank you
I don’t wear sunglasses because it’s unfair that a photon travels 93 million miles and then when it’s an inch from my eye I’m all “um, no.”
Leia: I love you.
Han: I know.
[gets frozen in carbonite]
[two years pass]
[gets unfrozen]
Leia: WHAT THE HELL DO YOU MEAN “I KNOW?!”
Him: Can you forgive me?
*mental montage of me trying to figure out who this guy is*
Me: Yes, but I’m really hurt so please give me time.
OMG this view is amazing!!!
– me opening the lid on the pizza box
I’m weird but not “sit around the house with my shirt tucked in even though I’ve got no plans to leave” weird. That shit’s 4 serial killers.
[two australians playing chess in a restaurant]
check, mate
*everyone explodes*
I like to remind my kids who’s boss by putting a cherry tomato on top of their ice cream sundaes every once in a while.
dog owners: their name is buddy
cat owners: their name is cool ranch dorito
Do I speak Spanish?
Oui!
Egg drop soup
Egg clumsy
Egg bad waiter
Egg fired again
Egg turn to life of crime
So glad that Halloween isn’t on Friday the 13th this year because that would be so 2020 am I right?
Today I beat my personal record of consecutive days alive.
I like doormats that say ‘Welcome’ but they don’t go far enough. I want a trail of doormats saying ‘Welcome’, ‘How was your journey?’, ‘Can I take your coat?’, ‘How’s the family?’, ‘Well, it’s getting late’ and ‘Thanks for coming’. Automate the whole process of entertaining.
I imagine by now all you Evian drinkers have read the name backwards?
My youngest kid quit liking cheese, so now I have to eat it for the both of us
When you’re not sure if people keep waving at you you might need to ease up on the hellocinogens
little known fact: less famous brother, eustice wright, invented flying a spoon of vegetables into babies’ mouths
the tiny monsters are on their way. and my job. is to hold this bucket of snacks for them. i was told they can only take one. but that’s not my rule to enforce
Met a friend from Twitter in real life and didn’t get murdered. Take that, Mom.
we thought buying an abandoned silo and turning it into a Gamer Silo would be easy, but after most of our computers, consoles, LED lights, streaming equipment, and three guys sank into the grain we realised that this was going to be a real challenge.
I’ve only been awake for an hour, but I’ve already been fooled 38 times.