Robber: I’ll harm you if you don’t answer my questions correctly
Me: oh God ok
Robber: Where’s the safe?
Me: Over there
Robber: Where’s the key?
Me: In that drawer
Robber: What day is it?
Me: oh no
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Surprise sex is by far the best thing to wake up to! …Unless you’re in prison.
Oh predictive text, how you tournament me.
flight attendant: is there a doctor on board
me: i have a doctorate in mathematics
flight attendant: this man is dying
me: minus one
I hate puns. There ain’t a pun in the world I would ever shar…
Why is my daughter asking me to play jenga like I didn’t give her a brother and sister for that exact reason?
My mom told me I couldn’t swim until 30 minutes after I last ate so that’s why I haven’t swam since I was 14 years old.
Neighbor was watering her plants as if they owed her money like how would YOU like to be waterboarded lady
1st week of school: sandwich cut in a cute shape, sliced fruit, encouraging note.
Last week of school: handful of croutons wrapped in foil.
Around my neighborhood I’m affectionately known as “Please stop taking pictures of my flowers you weirdo.”
Wife: ugh I can’t remember my dream from last night
Me: I taught the dog karate and how to speak
Wife: what no that wasn’t it
Dog *chops wood in half* wasn’t what
[nervously speeding up as I drive my date past a Taco Bell]
SIRI: At frequent destination. Set this address as ‘Home’ address?
More like “wife is home” vs “wife’s not home”.
I want to be cremated when I die, or at the very least sautéed.
I have no idea how other people get off the plane looking lovely when I look like a grease covered cheese puff someone found at the bottom of their purse
I’m at my most British when she says “teabag me” and I drop a sack of Earl Grey in her mouth.
They say there’s no such thing as a free lunch, but I’m at Applebee’s & have a dead mouse in my pocket that says otherwise.
Enough is enough. It is time for Sea World to step up and finally do something about the horrible whale who splashes everyone
{first time watching a live stand-up comedian}
me: (from the back) HAHA OMG U SHOULD TWEET THAT
My personal style is best described as “didn’t expect to get out of the car.”
my gf: don’t tell my dad how we met
me: ok
[later]
her dad: so how did you two meet?me: *startled* I’ve never seen her before in my life
Creeper: ‘I know what you did last summer.’
Me: ‘And you think you can make it suck even more?’
My sons consider “it’s bedtime” my first offer in the negotiation process
[On date]
Me: Duck! That’s my wife outside the restaurant
Her: What!? Your profile said “single dad!”
Me: Exactly. We’re a one dad family
I imagine dinner would almost be cooked by now if I’d remembered to put it in the oven
– a memoir
Baby formula = dad x mom 🤨
*solves baby formula supply chain issues*
Just found out men don’t need prostate exams till at least 40. I think my doctor has a lot of explaining to do.
What Bob, you’re interrupting.
If you see this sign, you are not at that four star resort you thought you were staying at.
going on an overnight trip, better pack 7 shirts and 9 pairs of underwear for some reason
I beg your pardon?