me: hang on, I’m just gonna jump in the shower
me, in shower: *jumping*
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streaming companies forgetting their entire existence is based on being slightly more convenient than piracy
[First ever Snail Olympics that started 350 million years ago]
Millennial snail announcer: oh shit here they come
A guy just commented on how classy I am
So naturally I removed my finger from my nose so I could type, “Thank you!”
Where is my emotional support mac n cheese when I need it?
[Apple meeting]
We need an honest iPhone 6 slogan.
“How about, iPhone 6: Yesterday’s technology at tomorrow’s prices.”
Too honest, Carl.
Brand new white Adidas completely ruined by 6 steps into the dog park gate.
So we can play bumper cars with an asteroid for funsies, but I do it once with a cop car and it’s a whole thing
I bought a CD today.
Now I’m waiting for my carriage to take me home, because I have laundry to do at the river and butter to churn.
*Password must be hard to guess*
New Password: H0neyWhatDoYouWantForDinner?
mom: are u coming to ur uncle’s funeral
my brain: grant, be careful
me: sorry, I can’t make it
brain: careful
me: because
brain: easy
me: my uncle died
brain: oh ffs
Wife: Rock the baby.
Me: *plugs in amp*
Toddler: I have a cute fat belly, you have a fat belly
Me:
FRIEND: You’re a farmer? What do you grow?
ME: Tired, mostly.
HIM: What do you think happens to us when we die?
ME: Funerals, you idiot.
we paid junk removal services come to take some old mattresses and stuff out of my parents’ basement and my sister overheard the guys whispering to each other “man it looks like The Conjuring down here”
If I got a nickel when someone called me an old soul,
I could buy a hot dog, french fries, a large coke, fill up my gas tank and still have enough left over to get a ticket to the baseball game
[job interview]
Interviewer: “Describe yourself in 2 words.”
Me: “Atinubs. Econsibu.”
Interviewer: “You’re hired. Welcome to CAPTCHA.”
I could never trust Jon Bon Jovi after he sang “ohhhh we’re halfway there” on track 3 of a 10 track album.
Parenting is a delicate balancing act where you need to teach your kids numbers but not well enough that they’re able to tell the time when you send them to bed early
Welcome to “I HEARD THE CAT PUKE BUT DON’T KNOW WHERE” the game where your eyes try to find it before your feet do.
Nothing against Peloton, but for about a tenth of the price you can buy a bike that actually goes places.
*goes in bank with finger guns*
This is a robbery!
“no one’ll take you seriously-”
*switches to double barrel finger guns*
“do what he says”
Anyone can be a hero:
Make a child smile
Rescue a kitten from a tree
Reverse Earth’s rotation to prevent an earthquake from killing your girlfriend
[car slides off road in a snowstorm]
Stranger: you need a tow?
Me: no Sir 10 is enough for me[we both laugh as he drives away]
[still stuck 10 hours later]
Wife:
Me: I regret nothing
I haven’t said a single truthful thing on here since I became the King of Sweden.
I want to go see the new Queen movie but I am just a poor boy from a poor family…
(2022)
To the max.. 😂
Sound on
Someone needs to reimagine Dracula as a sugar glider