I was told my $750 iPhone would improve the quality of my phone calls, but my family keeps calling telling me the same shit.
You Might Also Like
Her: What superpower would you choose?
Me: *sweating* Definitely the USA or China.
Me, telling the kids were eating Mexican tonight.
13, on phone with friend: We’re going to eat chinchillas for dinner…
Me: CHIMICHANGAS!! It’s chimichangas not chinchillas…🤦🏻♀️
Mommy’s little speed bumps 😬
Every time someone calls me an asshole, I stand up like I’m gonna do something about it. Then I just end up stretching while I wink at them.
I’m not saying it is your fault, I said I’m blaming you.
“Put cheese on it.”
“It’s not-”
“Put cheese on it.”
“Really now, you-”
“Everything gets better with cheese on it.”
“Sir, it’s a BROKEN LEG.”
The secret to a good marriage is that it’s all about give and take. Giving each other frequent back rubs and ordering lots of takeout
WIFE: Where are you off to?
ME: Shits & giggles.
WIFE: What?
ME: I’m gonna read funny tweets on the toilet.
can we all agree that Mini Cooper drivers need to put an extended flag on the back of their cars so the stalls where they’re parked stop looking empty?
Some choices are easier than others:
An emergency doctor’s appt vs a much needed hair appt.
At least if I die my hair will be cute.
What’s that Hitchcock movie with all the birds in it? The Man Who Flew Too Much? To Hatch a Thief? Suspigeon? Birdigo?
A scrub is a guy who thinks he’s fly.
[I scramble to take off my full-body fly costume]
Mixed signals, like when my family members tell me I drink too much all year but on Christmas and my birthday give me cute wine glasses.
her: take off my bra
me: ok
her: take off my panties
me: wow ok
her: stop wearing my clothes
*primitive gungans defeat battle droids*
*Stone Age ewoks beat elite stormtroopers*
*improbable underdog story defeats logic and reason*
but like if you somehow manage to launch yourself to the ISS they ought to let you in? right??
asking for a friend
Scientist: knowing that flamingos turn pink because they eat shrimp, we fed one nothing but Gatorade for 6 months
Reporter: so what happened?
Scientist: it’s dead.
Travel tip: If you’re gonna have a double Bloody Mary at the airport, remember to bring $17,000.
My 7yo was taking pics of her sister, and I said, “oh isn’t she pretty” but 7 responded, “no she’s a suspect.”
I once put a baby in adult clothing and placed him on my desk with a water bottle labeled “fountain of youth” right next to him.
“It’s pronounced poor-shah, not por-shh.”
“Ok, got it doo-shah.”
Me: is everything ok you seem distant
Them: that’s the wrong end of the binoculars
Him: I’m a morning person
Me *scared of werewolves* w…what are you at night??
I’m just playing devils avocado here
Customer spelling her name:
Me: Is that V as in Victor or Z as in Zebra?
Her: Z as in Xylophone.And this, kids, is why education is key.
What idiot called it the “number of Police Officers in the Precinct” and not the “Copulation”
I deduct 5% gratuity for every extra spoon my Cheesecake Factory server puts on my plate, “In case I feel like sharing.”
From the 3 wise men story we learn that wisdom doesn’t always translate into mad gift giving skills
You say “premarital sex” like there’s postmarital sex
[Office]
Secretary: Mr. Grey will see you now.
Anastasia Steele: I have a ridiculous name.