Accordion to research, 9 out of 10 people don’t notice when you replace words with random musical instruments.
You Might Also Like
Twitter has ruined my chance at a political career.
Thank goodness.
Establish dominance over your grandma by giving her a crisp $5 bill on her birthday.
I’ve been to some bad parties, but none so bad that I’ve thought I was at a work meeting.
“You can’t build your own man.” They told me. But they underestimate my low standards. And my shopping cart full of luncheon meats.
Tiny son: Mommy, did you know, inside a turtle shell there is a little bed, a TV, and a tiny kitchen?
*Rock “the Dwayne” Johnson
Whoever you are, you can’t deny that
Harry Potter & the Fallopian Tubes
sounds like a legitimate title.
Don’t act like you wouldn’t read it.
Some people around here retweet like it’s coming out of their booze allowance.
Sometimes I don’t even know why I bother boiling my underpants.
Genie: last wish
Me: make it so eating makes you skinny and working out makes you fat
Genie: ooh, good one
this is how it feels as a teacher when a student complains about school
Now, if you all will excuse me I’m going into my closet and I’m not coming out until I find something with an elastic waist…
gonna wash my car with my girlfriends pomeranian to spice things up
SAM:
Say! I like green eggs and ham!
I do! I like them, Sam-I-am!
I did eat them in a box.
I did eat them with a fox.
I did eat them in a house.
I did eat them with a mouse.DOCTOR:
So, what seems to be the problem?SAM:
I am pooping here and there.
I am pooping everywhere.
I just unlocked the “My House Was Robbed Because I Checked in on Foursquare” badge on Foursquare!
“I wondered if I could use a study room that’s private and out of the line of sight where nobody can see or hear what I’m doing in there.”
“Well, since you put it that way, absolutely not.”
I got my followers the old fashioned way – with tranquilizer darts.
Whenever someone asks how i’m doing & walks away before i answer..I write “GREAT” on the side of thier car with my keys!
What do people who ask, “do you think I am an idiot?” and get mad when we say “yes”, want from us?
[happy hour with friends discussing politics]
me: I’m going to keep my mouth shut.
alcohol: wanna bet.
I walk my dog at night with a knife in my pocket just in case the person robbing me doesn’t have his own weapon to stab me with.
If someone tells me “don’t be surprised if we find a body” I’m going to be many other emotions first.
My client’s (soon to be ex) wife just flipped me off in the courthouse parking lot, so yeah, I’m obviously doing my job right.
Doing the splits is easy — slip on the first snowy step when taking the dog out and let gravity (and panic) make you an Olympic gymnast!
HR: “This is your revised salary. We recommend you keep it confidential.”
Employee: “Don’t worry, I’m equally ashamed of it.”
Friend: *finger guns*
Me: *looks down at finger knives* oh no
Hate it when you’re getting rad footage of an accident scene to put on Facebook & some loser says “Hey, aren’t you the paramedic we called?”
i gotta figure out some insane rules for my kid that she doesn’t question until she gets older. “no pink lemonade in this house. it’s unnatural” and she’s like right of course, lemons are yellow, it’s unnatural. then decades from now she’s in a college dining hall like Wait What.
If Die Hard is a Christmas movie, then a sleeveless vest is perfectly suitable attire for dinner with your mother, Sharon.