men, we mow at sunrise.
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*swipes right on my hand mirror
Every time my parents buy my kids a loud toy, I submit their phone number to a mortgage refinancing company.
Meiosis is still a better love story than Twilight.
Condoleeza Rice’s less successful sister is Apartmentleeza Rice.
Planet of the Apps.
I’ve gone unverified for 5,000 years.
Why change now?
me: i’m here for stabbing lessons
clerk: sir this is a fencing clu—
me: yeah whatever hand me a knife
clerk: …
me: dress me like a beekeeper
ME: what time would you like me at the restaurant?
HER: I don’t even like you now
Him: I want a million dollars
Genie: Like hell u do, 🤣🤣, here’s a years free subscription of NetflixMe: I want my kid to keep all his toys properly
Genie:
Genie: How about a million dollars instead
The Blob: Bakery Beginning!
villagers: we need rain but no rain in months.
me: STEP ASIDE [get’s car washed]
[rain starts immediately]
[gets appointed as a head witch of the village]
Bartender – Would you like to try our pumpkin beer?
Me – Can I have a different bartender please?
the cool thing about having longer hair is using it to floss your teeth in a pinch
I bet the first person to see leaves grow back on trees after winter was like “well that’s a releaf”
Might buy an ice-cream truck just so that I can drive it around town, playing the jingle, whilst eating the inventory all by myself in plain view of the public.
Got a new bottle of shampoo and now I’m using what’s left in the old one with the reckless abandon of someone who just won the lottery.
My flabber has been gasted.
I hate it when I go to hide out from my kids in the walk-in closet & my husband is already in there hiding out from me.
[Pizza falls on the ground]
Hold
HOLD!
-Germ boss telling his minions not to jump on the pizza until it’s been a full five seconds.
Money was so tight last Xmas I had to sell a kidney for gifts. And this year it’s getting so bad, I may even have to sell one of my own.
[gf takes pregnancy test, starts crying]
“It’s negative”
Lemme see it
[reads] ‘Not prego. Just fat. And ugly’
Wow that’s really negative
Everyone’s gangster until they pull a push door.
Signature Move
The best writer’s defense is a good writer’s offense
LAWYER: ur dad’s estate—
ME: who called it executing a will instead of splittin heirs
L: he said if u made a dumb joke u get nothing
M: shit
every time i take my teen to a flea market she buys a weapon, so i now know which room i’ll be running to in a home invasion
Hell hath no fury like a toddler who can’t get the dinosaur on his shirt to eat its food
What idiot called it jousting and not poker knight?
Legos cost way too much for smthg I still have to put together myself
My husband was just looking at me like I’m some kind of super hero and all I said was, “yes, we do have onion for the burgers.”.
“Your generation is having less kids” yeah we go to therapy to fix our relationships now