if i was gandalf, i absolutely wouldn’t make four tiny little shoeless bumpkin boys a core part of my crack team to defeat a goblin mega-hitler, but it worked so fair play to him
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“I love potatoes! They are delicious and so versatile. If only they could get me laid…”
-how vodka was born
The key to losing weight is to eat like you’re in a video game — don’t bother with it 99% of the time until you’re about to die
Apparently people will pay to be subjected to medieval torture devices if you call the place a “gym.”
me: can I get a hug?
bartender: *checking cocktail list*
Nooooooooo!!!
🌴🌿🪸🍀🌳
Barista: can I get a name?
Me: sure, you can be “ugly coffee maker man”
Barista: no for you
Me: I’ll be “handsome coffee drinker guy”
Absolutely delighted that our new Baggage Handling facilities are cutting waiting times.
got banned from Trader Joe’s for my controversial political opinions (or because I keep taking cheese into the bathroom)
[Arguing with a guy over who’s tougher]
*takes toothpick from mouth* “When I started chewing this it was a full grown spruce.”
I can’t afford a therapist so i bought a mood ring
To the person crowding me in the checkout line, do you want a hug .. ’cause if you get any closer, I’m gonna assume you do and give you one.
Hey where’s Brian?
“Oh he’s taking a p_ _p”
A what?
“Um dropping a d_ _c_”
Huh?
“Taking a sh_t….Uhh Cr_p!”
Oh! He’s evacuating his vowels?
a broth-er is the best relative to help you make soup
I didn’t even know there was a most alcohol consumed award on a cruise ship.
You are so old, even your blood type was discontinued.
My old classmates said I look the same as I looked 25 years ago.
I still look like a dork y’all 🙈
Gonna trade in my wife’s menstrual cycle for a really cool mountain bike.
It’s not a walk of shame if you do the Macarena to your car.
I’m not an alcoholic. I only go to the liquor store every day because they ask to see my ID & therefore must think I look young & pretty.
Wearing shirts of bands you don’t listen to is like refusing to eat the cupcake, but cool walking around with frosting all over your face.
“Post Malone” is British for “mail my mortgage payment.”
[interview]
“How would you describe your people skills?”
ME: I tend to drive others away.
“That’s great! Welcome to Uber.”
Wife: Have you considered therapy?
Me: I’m glad you think so highly of my opinions, but I already have a career
Wife: *stabs me
Good News: It wasn’t a colon polyp.
Bad News: somewhere, a craigslist escort is missing a press-on nail.
I can make six sentences with just the names of my two sons.
Chase will chase Will.
Will will chase Chase.
Will Chase chase Will?
Chase will.
Will Will chase Chase?
Will will.
I feel bitchy.I want to steal your pen,then use it in front of you,while denying it’s your pen.Then leave a note that says “it was your pen”
nurse: height
me: 6’4”
nurse: weight
me:
nurse:
me:
nurse:
me:
nurse:
me: wait for what
Computer: shutting down
Me: same
MIND BLOWING SCIENCE FACT: 20% of all car crashes are actually battles between the Autobots and the Decepticons.