My coworker had a baby. I had a BLT. I think we all know who the real winner is
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I want to lose weight, but I don’t want to get caught up in one of those “eat right and exercise” scams.
I’m “befuddled to learn that people make money on YouTube by just reacting to other people’s YouTube videos even though my son has explained this to me many times” years old.
I didn’t think it was possible to travel 10 years back in time until I got into an argument with my wife.
When your whiskey stops people from entering your house.
~ Scotchgard
The imaginary line that separates North and South in the US is determined by the amount of sugar in an iced tea
[3rd Date]
*To myself* ok, you really like this girl. Just play it cool, detached.
ME: I don’t even care what season we get married in.
ohhhhhh today’s Friday the 13th, that explains the last two years
[Office]
Secretary: Mr. Grey will see you now.
Anastasia Steele: I have a ridiculous name.
It’s impossible to buy a mirror that isn’t used
It’s easy to tell hedgehogs from porcupines. Porcupines aren’t blue.
Fight
My wife was cross when my 2yo broke a Chinese spoon this morning & I said it was “just Wonton destruction” & honestly it did not go down at all well.
This is why I need you lot, x
I can’t touch my face so I’ve been letting the cats apply and remove my makeup. They’re getting pretty good at it.
A new hipster coffee shop in my hood doesn’t have wifi b/c it wants to encourage talking…presumably about the failure of this coffee shop.
Waiter: how would you like your steak cooked.
Me: like finding out the person you’re talking to in your DM’s is actually single.
Waiter: I’ll ask the chef if we can prepare it that rare.
Found an ant in my bathroom today, which is weird because I haven’t had a picnic in there for like 3 months.
being over 40 is like the movie speed but you can’t drop below 600mg of ibuprofen in your system
I doubt God made us in his image, because Snooki.
When a tough guy comes at me like “Hey! You want some of THIS?!” I’m scared, but also it’s like… thank you for asking, you know?
My 7yo said if she ever gets married she wants to have a pajama-themed wedding, and I feel like my parenting has come to fruition.
Life is short. Take risks. Run with scissors. Dance with scissors like nobody’s watching. Stop waiting for tomorrow to do cool shit with scissors.
[Amphibian Playground]
BULLFROG: look at all u lil toad nerds
TOAD: help! a BULLYfrog!
TEACHER SNAKE: i’ll handle this *eats everyone*
The twins brought in significantly less candy than I purchased. Running Halloween at a deficit is simply not acceptable.
I’m going to the gym now. Not bragging. Just want you to know where to send the ambulance.
[boarding a flight]
me (to the pilot): “ohhhhh boy. who let this guy in here.”
pilot (chuckling): “good morning sir”
me (way too familiar): “you’re not gonna cause trouble today, are you?”
pilot (annoyed): “what?”
me (getting really serious): “you need to be playful with me”
[crime scene]
this is the 3rd footless person hes killed sir
“i guess hes..”
please god n–
“LACKTOES INTOLERANT”
*cops taze him for 8 hours*
H: You look nice.
Me: I’m meeting one of my Twitter friends today.
H: So you want your picture on the evening news to be a nice one?
Me: Yep
I don’t know who needs to hear this, but no one in the world is judging you as much as you’re judging yourself.
People on Twitter: Hold my beer.
taylor swift: oh my god look at that face you look like my next mistake
me [with mouth full of like way too many Doritos]: what