freezing my eggs so i can chuck em at his house later
You Might Also Like
I slid my foot into my slipper in the dark this morning and there was a sock laying on it. Let’s just say I didn’t know it was a sock, and I’m happy to report I’ve set a new long jump world record.
Coronavirus Quarantine Diary, Day 11:
[6 AM]
Me [waking Child]: Hey.
Child: mmmph what
Me: It snowed last night so you have no school today.
Child: YAY
Me: Just kidding get up you’re homeschooled now.
what?
Dear everyone THE PEEPS ARE MY BABIES please do not eat them. Take them home. Give them warmth and comfort. Allow them to nest beside your TV. Give them your passwords so they can log on to the dark web and order books about witchcraft to summon Cthulhu. Let them swim in the sink
OF COURSE I’m not on my first box of Christmas Tree Cakes! ARE YOU NUTS?!… I’m on my second.
When you ask your waiter for an extra pickle, don’t wink. It can easily be misinterpreted.
I don’t talk about my ex’s because I like to start of with a clean slate. That, and they’re dead to me. Well, to everyone, but mostly me.
Pac Man is my favourite video game about my life.
It keeps getting harder and I can’t stop eating everything in sight.
My wife insists on buying our daughter the expensive, growth hormone free milk. So there goes any chance she’ll ever have of being an X-Men.
i started vaping to fit in with my friends, who are mostly steam whistles
My lack of exercise is really catching up to me. Now it’s passing me. Wow, my lack of exercise is in great shape.
Star Wars spoiler: Ross and Rachel end up together in the end.
I cross my legs because I’m a lady and classy and I really need to pee.
MARIE KONDO: does this empty box spark joy?
ME: yes
MK: and this old iPhone 4 box?
ME: yes
MK: and allll of these Amazon boxes? do they spark joy too?
ME: yes
MK: and this other one over here with all of these smaller boxes inside it?
ME: yes
You were all Pluto’s not even a planet and now you’re watching it from your space car all slow and creepy like. Jerk.
My ransom was dropped from $30,000 to fifty bucks when my parents told my kidnappers it’d take 2 days to come up with the money.
My doctor won’t go away. I know what you’re thinking but he has been eating small pieces of apple over many decades to build up an immunity.
Look, mom, we can keep arguing about whether or not 28 is too old to live your parents but it’s not gonna help us find my iguana any faster.
whenever I see “likes her own status” on facebook, a little bit of me dies and becomes a horcrux.
Dear Ninja Turtles,
Why are you wearing masks? There are no other giant, mutated turtles. No one’s gonna mistake a different turtle for you.
remember you can close your eyes and imagine a mouse holding a cocktail umbrella walking across a spaghetti noodle tight rope any time you want. no one can stop you
You know what….. my ex should’ve kept me blocked
<— only has 13 problems left.
Turns out, getting divorced cured 86 of em!
me: are you cool?
my armpit: good to go
me: you sure? not itchy?
my armpit: oh come on, I’m fine
me: promise me
my armpit: dude I promise
me:
my armpit:
me: ok *puts on long sleeve shirt, coat, scarf, and starts driving*
my armpit: you’re not gonna believe this
MUGGER: Empty your pockets!
ME: But these are cargo shorts.
(45 min later)
ME: That’s the left one
MUGGER: Seriously.
ME: I am SO sorry
Niagara Falls
Me: “OMG are you okay?! That was a bad one!”
As my friend confessed, “My teenage daughter never even talks to me,” I struggled to conceal my jealousy.
Ideas for getting more exercise:
– Move the biscuits farther away
– Buy a heavier kettle
[robber pulls gun]
ME: take my money but please don’t hurt me i’m an only child
MY DAD: [yelling from the car] he’s lying he has a brother
Research shows that 100% of tired parents have kids.