I’m the kind of girl people don’t look twice at
Even when I hit them hard with a shopping trolley one, two, thr…
Yep, now he’s looking
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(cloud briefly passing overhead, obscuring the sun) what fresh hell is this ?
What I said : Just a trim, please.
What hairdresser must’ve heard : Give me the Kim Jong-un.
*breaking up with BF
I’ll never forget you David.
‘My name is Jason’
Goodbye John.
Thrilled that my 5YO started reading chapter books.
Terrified that she’ll find out the words, pages and chapters I skipped during bedtime routine
Apparently it is “against church policy” to drop your kids off in the nursery and then go to brunch.
When the zombie apocalypse comes and you’re in Walmart, how will you know?
I’m obsessed with you. Not like peak through your window obsesseHEY I LIKE THAT DRESS WEAR THAT ONE
Cashier: “Look at all this candy! You’re going to have a lot of happy kids this Halloween”
Me: “It’s Halloween?”
Friend: Sorry I’ve been so busy! I got my master’s in genetic engineering, singlehandedly solved a murder, invented time travel, discovered a new Pi number, climbed Mt. Everest and taught myself to read Sumerian. What have you been up to???
Me: I’ve been super into cereal lately
Places to learn how to chug your drink:
1. College frat
2. Airport security line
Never trust a woman sucking a candycane into a sword.
[introducing my new girlfriend to my brothers]
ME: …so basically this is my last day at the monastery
The only way I’m gonna hit the gym is if I accidentally drive into it
I burnt my tongue and now everything tastes like a 9v battery.
Weather app: The dew point is 20.
Me, being lazy: The do point is 0.
bouncer: I’m going to have to ask you to leave
me: why
bouncer: I have no idea who you are and this is my trampoline
Hyena: what’s my name again?
God: hyena.
Hyena: hi.
God: hi.
Hyena: i’m Ena : )
God: that-that’s not your name.
Hyena: oh. what is it?
God: hyena.
Hyena:
God:
Hyena: hi. i’m Ena : )
What kind of emotional tailspin causes people to “like” Lysol on Facebook?
Pro tip : If you get a dog,
name him “Five Miles”Then you can brag that you
walk Five Miles every day.
Boy: call me daddy 😉
Me:
sure sex is great but have you ever pulled the pamphlet from a cassette/cd case and realized from the thickkkkkness you just scored the lyrics?
about 25 yrs ago there was a tornado warning in my town & my neighbor’s 4yo kid screamed “a tomato’s coming” but the tomato never came & i think about that to this day
Look kids, you can talk to me about anything, any time, it’s important you know you can tell me anything, but, for the love of God, stop snitching on your brother.
Just got a coffee at the airport and then remember they have beer and now I’m awake and sad
I can’t wait to see my older sister so she can point out I have more gray hair than she does.
My organic chemistry class was at 7am and the teacher stressed how important it was for us to get enough sleep… so I slept in class.
Whoever first said “No news is good news” never had their cable & Internet go out for two days
ME: [backing into driveway]
WIFE: Where’s the car?
absolutely crushed dolphin wordle