4-year-old: *looks at our pig* Which pig is she?
Me: What do you mean?
4: Is her house made of bricks or sticks?
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I just shaved my armpits after such an extended hiatus that my razor acted as little more than a comb. Should have scythed first.
So, when people say “LOLZ”, does that mean they laughed themselves to sleep?
Apparently all my new nephew wants to do is eat and sleep…which means he’s already a lot like me.
Just heard a guy at the dog park tell his dog “NO!” and then more quietly, “We talked about this!”
My wife wants me to go to Zumba with her. I am hopeful that this is a place to get burritos.
A very busty woman whispers to me “I want you to tell me if these look real” my eyes widen, then she takes out pictures of the moon landing
I hate to be a stickler, but why is Jesus wearing a cross?
i remember the first time i asked my dad to sign something for me in high school. he shook his head and said “if i sign this, you’re going to have to learn how to forge my signature. if you sign it from the start, you’ll be able to sign whatever you want and they’ll never know.”
kid: 5 more minutes
dad goat: no it’s pasture bedtime
Me: *on phone booking place on commercial space flight* “Yeah just a one-way ticket, please… You don’t? Uhhh so okay make it a return but can you drop me off on the moon or something? … Hello? Hello-o???”
Never end a tweet with a question mark. People will talk to you.
Everybody else should be able to wear scrubs to work too.
Garlic and bread is the only marriage I truly have faith in.
my son referred to me as “the 6 dwarfs” because I’m “everything except happy,” and honestly I’m not even mad, that was amazing
-I love you!
-Me too!
-You too what?
-What you said
-What did I say?
-That
-Say it
-What?
-I want u to say it
-Well
-and?
-what?
-Say it
-it
Who wants to hear about my father’s colonoscopy? He apparently thought I did.
Breaking Bad is my favorite documentary about what it takes to be an entrepreneur while balancing family life.
Remember when you bury a body in your backyard be sure to cover it with endangered plant or tree so they can’t dig it up. Follow me for more helpful tips 👍🏻
Remember the 90’s when a fax machine would keep calling your number that sounded like a pissed off pterodactyl …. Good Times ….
Top names for pet grasshopper:
• Jerry Springer
• hoptimus prime
• Legatron
• Jumpford & sons
• meredith
• billy BOIIIING thorton
• beyouncé
My boss always tells me to work my magic, but if I had magic he’d be on fire
in lieu of flowers call my wife and pretend to be me from beyond the grave. my d.o.b. is 5/24 and my mom’s name is kathy.
I KEPT MY CAPS LOCK ON WHEN I SEARCHED RECIPES FOR DINNER TONIGHT AND NOW GORDON RAMSEY IS IN MY KITCHEN
SOMEONE LEFT. A FULL PLATE OF COOKIES. AND A GLASS OF MILK. RIGHT BY THE FIREPLACE FOR ME. I AM NOT KIDDING. WHAT A NIGHT
This picture says the only time the queen has ever used a knife before this moment, is to kill someone.
Mom asked me what I was drinking the first time I got drunk and I said “breast milk” and now she’s not talking to me.
i’ve started saying good undernoon between 10 and 12 and let me tell you everyone at work hates it
Me: *types* “Stupid auto correct loves making me look like an idiot.”
*Autocorrects to* “You’re doing a good job of that yourself.”
“ICEBERG, RIGHT? A HEAD?”
– Cook on the Titanic, confirming salad ingredients