Cashier: Your total is $2,967.
Me: Okay. Please take off the greeting card.
Cashier: Your total is now $7.
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Not sure who graded these eggs as Extra-Large, but I’m guessing it was a guy.
Explaining to my future spouse that I’ll never retire bc I bought too many treats in the summer of 2023
My southern mother passive-aggressively reorganized my refrigerator in the ten minutes she was left alone with it and now I can’t find the cream cheese
Sometimes I like to play the power card and remind my husband that I was once woken up to a phone hitting me in the head. He tied it to the ceiling fan to reach a certain number of steps and it flew off.
Meet Brian, my monkey butler. He’s gonna help out around the office.
*Monkey flinging office equipment out the window*
Brian hates clutter.
Haven’t lost a game of chess in twenty years, mainly because I haven’t played in that long or what have you.
Him: why do you keep poking me ?
Her: I’m looking for the mute button
HEADS UP: if I can’t get around you on the sidewalk, I join your family
It’s taking this nurse 20 minutes to get my chart ready for the doctor, every few minutes she asks which hand is numb again.
“Have you tried divorcing and restarting your marriage?”
– IT Department as marriage counselors
I bought a bug zapper fly swat.
So now I look like a madwoman swinging around a small tennis racket, shocking anyone who dares step in my way.
Doctor: You have to stop eating donuts…
Me: OK
D:…so that I can start the operation.
M: [STUFFING DONUT UNDER OXYGEN MASK] For later.
ME: I just feel like sometimes you take me for granted.
MY CAT: I literally have no idea who you are.
accidentally juuled in front of my mom but she only saw the smoke and goes “what was that” so i immediately said ”oh my god you saw that too?” and now i have to spend the rest of my life pretending my house is haunted
Before our first date, I texted him: Look for a tall, young, leggy brunette. I’ll be the short middle-aged blonde next to HER.
Mom: If your friends all jumped off a bridge, would you…
Me: Be the one holding all their phones? Yeah, probably.
BAND: How’s everyone doing tonight!!
[crowd goes nuts]
ME (standing in the middle, normal voice): Ok I guess. Kinda tired.
87% of parenting is yelling, “DON’T MAKE ME COME IN THERE,” from a different room.
I would’ve loved to have been a detective during the era when people’s watches always stopped at the exact second they were murdered. These days it’s all CCTV and social media. Bring back corpse watches.
A typo so bad, they assume you speak German.
Sorry pregnant ladies, all of your 3D ultrasounds look like Gollum in an Ikea lampshade.
If you think ghost peppers are hot, you should’ve ate them when they were alive.
Policeman: Name please
Iggy Pop: Iggy Pop
Policeman: Your FULL name
Iggy Pop: (Quietly) Ignatius Poppadom
GARY BUSEY: I WANNA WRITE A BOOK
HIS AGENT: gary that’s a bad idea—how’d you feel about a ghost writer?
GARY: SCARED AS HELL BUT I LIKE IT
My… My daughters built a slug hospital and found 30+ “patients” who are now escaping and nothing in the parenting books prepared me for this.
Sometimes I like to wear a robe to the grocery store, pull out a tape measure, start measuring various vegetables, and let shopper imaginations run wild
My wife and did it twice yesterday and we didn’t use any protection… I’m worried we might have twins.
What a relief. Bring on the nukes
Before you get involved with another person, ask yourself: Is this someone I can see myself cropping out of pictures later?