Him: I’m a lover, not a fighter
Me: [already has on boxing gloves]
Awwww, that’s so sweet, should be an easy knockout then
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Maybe Hitler started WWII after being constantly attacked by time travelers.
Before going to the dentist I like to eat taffy & pumpkin seeds. It’s makes me feel like I’m getting my money’s worth.
Matt LeBlanc is short for his full name, Mattress LeBlanket.
My son just informed me that they have been out of soap in the kids’ bathroom for 2 days, but not to worry because he’s been using conditioner to wash his hands.
Can you imagine liking anyone well enough to go into pairs figure skating?
*eats hotdog like an ear of corn to avoid giving you mixed signals*
I’m scared to open any email with a photo attachment because of all this talk about photobombing.
Doctor: You have emphysema
Batman: How?
Doctor: Probably from throwing smoke bombs to get out of tough situations
Batman:
Doctor:
Batman: *throws smoke bomb*
You can rain on my parade but please don’t poop in my punch bowl.
[Commercial for Milk]
Tired of dipping your hot dog in boring old water?!
My ex used to sing “Brown Eyed Girl” to me….
I have blue eyes. This should have been a sign.
Think you’re a tough guy?
Go eat a package of Oreos in the middle of a crowded gym.
No problem, 3 people is my maximum anyway
My friends most commonly describe me as “who?”
Her: *drinking green smoothie* Try this. It’s all natural.
Me: Lava is all natural but you won’t see me drinking it.
Dr: Are you sexually active?
Me: *cries*
Dr: Um, are you sexually-
Me: *cries harder*
Dr: …..Ok. Do you drink?
Me: YES I BLOODY DRINK
“Its odd how the Church just lets
pedophile’s grant forgiveness”Anyway…thats why I’m not allowed
in Confession anymore.
mosquitos out here really acting like it’s ok to go person to person without using a rubber
I bet you’re all super stoked about election year coming up
Me: Hello darkness my old friend
Darkness: *leaves on read*
Pugs. Because you can’t own E.T.
A fun way to “Break up” is to tell them to “Go long” and then never throw them the football.
I hugged my husband when he got home from work and he seemed nervous. I knew something was off. The scent on his shirt smelled familiar then it hit me he cheated on me with my favorite restaurant. He smelled like shame and garlic bread.
So Mother Theresa puts a dish towel on her head and she’s a “saint” but when I put a dish towel on MY head I’m “drunk in the kitchen again?”
Enter a cafe. Ask to see the menu. Say, Have you got anything a mouse would like? When they say No, whisper into your sleeve & leave.
[arrives in heaven]
how’d you die?
me: i was sitting in a beanbag chair and my house caught on fire
I used to think Ol’ Yeller was a book about my stepdad.
“Why do raisins have an expiration date? What’s gonna happen, they get shrivelier??”
Interviewer:…
“Oh you mean questions about the job!”
her: does an apple a day really keep the doctor away
me: *flicks cigarette butt* u ever seen a horse at the ER Karen
I’m like the hottest girl on this elevator.
Never mind, someone else just got on.