This “violence in the workplace” seminar is only teaching us what we shouldn’t do. No fighting techniques or anything.
You Might Also Like
Me: Let’s go to the store.
5 yo: Why?
M: For food.
5: Why?
M: So we can eat.
5: Why?
M: To stay alive.
5: Why?
M: I have no idea.
watching the football game but shaking my head the whole time so everybody knows i disagree with it
The Exorcist (1973): a child is possessed by a demon. Hilarity ensues.
“sir we don’t hire people to be mannequins”
Me:*strikes mannequin pose*
“No, sir we don-”
M:*new pose*
[under breath] “damn this guys good”
Today I spent an extra $10 to get to $50, just so I could get a $15 gift card. My wife is so proud.
KID: *finds Santa suit in my closet* See, I knew he wasn’t real.
ME: *nervously remembering shooting Santa off my roof the year before when I thought he was a burglar* Haha. Yeah.
Surgeon: We’ve successfully removed part of your intestine
Me: That took guts, LOL
Patient: Who is that guy?
Surgeon: I thought you knew him
My neighbor just told me “I’m going on a date with a new guy tonight. I think he’s in a cult. Still better than the biter.” Every married person should have a single friend who’s still on the apps, the divorce rate would approach zero
A magician’s assistant wears two layers under her costume: a bra, cadabra
If someone tried to make me dig my own grave I would say no. They’re going to kill me anyway and I’d love to die the way I lived: avoiding manual labor.
I’ll never be arm candy. I’m 50,
best I can be is an arm sandwich
If I was a police sketch artist I would be like “is this the guy?” And they would be like “nope that’s a barn” because I can only draw barns
I came home & my dog peed a little bc he was happy to see me. None of my friends pee when they see me. I’m surrounded by fakes
There’s no “us” in nachos.
I still close the bathroom door when I’m home alone bc I don’t want the murderer to break in and see me on the toilet.
would Medusa wear a hat
like this OR like this
To some, it’s known as “soda.” Some call it “pop.” Some even order it as “coke” or “cola.” The spicy bubble brown juice goes by many names
SUBWAY EMPLOYEE: What would you like-
ME: I’D LIKE TO CREATE A SHOW ABOUT A DOG WHO FLIPS HOUSES
SE: -on your sandwich?
ME: FIXER PUPPER
me: *throwing a fudgie the whale cake into the ocean* HAPPY BIRTHDAY EARTH
[history class in 2069]
TEACHER: how did the Civil War begin?
ME: when the United Nations prepared to pass the Sokovia Accords, which would establish a UN panel to oversee and control The Avengers, Iron Man and Captain America were divided.
TEACHER: correct
I had to rescue my phyllo pastry ski mask from a volcano yet again. That’s right, my baklava balaclava was back in lava.
I wasn’t snoring..
I was dreaming I’m a dirt bike.
Hey Mexican food restaurant waiter, if the basket is empty you don’t have to ask. YES I WANT MORE CHIPS!
Watching cooking shows makes you realize how much forehead sweat is possibly in your food
Geez, I’m so sorry…I’m not normally ticklish.
(me to the nail lady I just kicked in the face during my pedicure)
thug: do you have a gram
drug dealer: yeah
grandma: [ripping off thug mask] then why don’t you ever visit
“wya?” my limit bro. i’m at my limit
I taught my kid the importance of stop, drop and roll at an early age. Now he never blocks my view of the television.
when you do a big stretch & hear a crackling noise, that’s ur bones clapping because you did a good job
Q: Which US President has the most trouble keeping his eyes open?
A: Abe Blinkin’
Come on down to Professor Cookie’s Very Good Joke Store where you can find very good jokes like this one.