Me: I’m not the same person I was when you met me.
Him: we met six seconds ago.
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I’m a single dad of 2 pre-teens so naturally at times there are talks of running away; but I don’t
Sorry I threw your baby but there was a spider on her.
Me: welcome to my she shed
Gynecologist: please don’t call it that
Before & after 😅
Her: I’m leaving you and going to my mothers.
Me: Hold on and I’ll come with you. I like to have a good meal for a change…
Once in third grade I karate kicked at a popular girl because she was making fun of me and my shoe flew off and went directly into her mouth. So, yes, I guess you could say I know a thing or two about martial arts.
men r from mars , women r frm venus , neither are capable of reproducton or space travel so species dies out [RECALIBRATE SIMULATION?] <Y/N>
ME [licks finger to turn page of the book I’m reading]
WIFE: You’re ruining that Kindle
3yo: daddy why is everyone wearing masks?
Me: *considering how honest I want to be with my toddler* Ninja invasion.
{speed dating}
Me: What handbags can you afford?
Aladdin is my favourite movie about lying to a girl to make her fall in love with you
Why aren’t more people talking about this?
I have obtained an authentic audio recording of the two girls who work at the vegan ice cream place saying I “always pick the perfect toppings” and “look too handsome to be lactose intolerant”.
I tried quitting this mom job but the exit interview was just my kids saying “But why?” for 4 hours straight.
The designer of the expanding universe, deviser of quantum theory and relativity – he’s really interested in who you sleep with. Sinner.
forgive me baja for i have blast
My superpower is choosing the one table in a restaurant next to the woman talking loudly enough that I know her entire family tree when I leave.
Interviewer: So, what makes you think you’re a good candidate for this Automotive Shop?
Me: I tire easily.
Wow, pretty rude for people to exist that are younger & hotter than me but OK
Still waiting for a politician to abruptly resign because someone on Twitter with 27 followers told them to.
I hate when drinks say to shake well. Like we’re all just masters of shaking things
One of my foster dogs chewed up my credit card and now my husband wants to keep him
6: Dad, what’s the biggest thing in the world?
Me: Uh
6: Nevermind, Siri…
PARAMEDIC: this man needs a transfusion
JESUS: i got this *turns water into wine*
PARAMEDIC: he doesn’t need wine he needs blood
JESUS: this is my blood
Me: *pees on her leg*
Her: *screams*
Me: What?! You’re supposed to pee on someone when they sing!
Security: That’s for STINGS.
Me: *not allowed within 100 ft of Britney Spears anymore*
US Loretta Lynch confirms that all 7 FIFA officials dramatically threw themselves onto the ground faking injury when arrested earlier today.
santa can deliver all those presents in one night because he’s mainlining that panera lemonade
Found my cat’s phone, just hundreds of photos of me sleeping. Weird.
He told me to strike while the iron is hot, like I know what an iron is.
This time of year, I get sick of everyone writing an “X” instead of “Christ”. I think it’s time we all put the Christ back in Christ-box 360