If your cat has ever accidentally fallen into the tub while you were taking bath, you’ve known chaos.
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TV: Are you prepared for an earthquake?
*thinks about the 175 Hot Pockets in the freezer*
Me: Yes.
[English class]
Her: I’m never sure how to properly use a colon
Me [trying to impress her]: *poops*
[Driving by a massive pile up]
SON: Look at all the different colours of cars in the crash.
ME: It’s a collidascope.
SON:
WIFE: It’s too early in the day to hate you this much.
medium: so you want to contact your wife
me: I can still hear her voice
wife: [howling] let me iiiiiin
me: it’s like she’s watching me
wife: [through window] I forgot my keys
10 out of 8 mathematicians recommend improper fractions.
… and on the eighth day, Satan created teenagers.
me: my father shall hear of this
them: is he powerful and wealthy?
me: no we’re just close
Her: could things get any worse?
Me: *adds raisins* there you go.
When people get food poisoning they always tell you it came out both ends. But there’s no need to malign the a** in that scenario, the food was going to come out of there regardless of whether it was poisonous
Kesha dropping the $ sign from her name just shows how bad the economy really is
Group of 12 year old girls: We’re scared of boys. Me: OMG, me tooooooo!
(trying to explain what adulthood is like to a kid) you know in sims when you put a guy in the pool and then you take all the ladders out.
Me: My mom’s famous hot chocolate recipe involved making a bowl of Cocoa Puffs, eating the Cocoa Puffs, then heating up the leftover milk, and topping it with the marshmallows from Lucky charms. Occasionally she’d give us cookie crisp to dunk
Red lobster waiter: we have shrimps
Found a card from Christmas with $100 bill in it. So now I have a retirement plan. Phew.
pharaoh: over my dead body!
pyramid architect: that’s where we’ll build it, yes.
What if the alien abductions are all the same guy? The other grays hold a press conference and say “Oh, that’s just Kyle. He’s a jerk.”
[the noise of everyone talking at a party randomly goes silent]
ME: i call hot dogs meat pickles
Just found a tiny box full of kids teeth hidden under my sink…dear god I hope these are from my children
Give me the nuclear codes. No one would expect me to have them
After all these years Jude Law has finally noticed me and responded to my love letters. Something about staying 500 feet away? I’m getting it framed
Robber: Give me your phone and don’t try anything funny. *looks at my tweets* Ok, I see that you haven’t.
Real terror is the moment when you realize you’re about to sneeze with sore abs
can’t wait for 65 million years after we’re extinct and whatever race is in charge makes human-shaped chicken nuggets
starting an onlyfans but it’s just videos of me trying to use chopsticks
I weighed myself today,
then I ate the scale.
10: *mischievously to her sister* One foot, two feet, so for one boot, it’s two beet.
7: Noooooo, it’s booties!
FACT: Carrots may be good for your eyes but alcohol will double your vision.
Just been talking to Old Bob. He was talking about all the people in his life he’s lost along the way. Lovely man, worst tour guide we’ve ever had.
mob boss: rip his fingernails off
henchman: they’re bitten really short
mob boss: then do his toenails!
henchman: [removing my socks] you’re not gonna believe this
Me: I let my guard down.
Prison guard: I’m not angry, just disappointed.