doctor: *handing me newborn baby* do you have a name for him?
me: uhhh *looking around room* mop
doctor: it can be whatever you want
me: stegosaurus
doctor: hell yeah there we go
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me: slip out of that little red thing you’re wearing
*unwraps Babybel*
Date: I’m looking for someone who is courageous.
Me: I’m braver than any marine.
Marine, at the table to my left: Excuse me?
Me: Any, uh, marine animal.
Manatee, on a date with the marine: Excuse us?
If I were a billionaire I wouldn’t build rockets to escape to Mars. I would build rockets to make everyone else leave Earth.
Lost in a corn maze? Light it on fire. Turn it into a popcorn maze. Eat your way out.
When I was a kid I wanted to join this gang. They all had these crazy symbol tattoos on their midsections.
Ok, I wanted to be a Care Bear.
hot girls stay up late just so they can finally have some alone time
Only death will keep me from you. Or cake. Or Netflix. Or kittens….hold on, I have a list.
“dance like no one is watching, walk like someone is behind you trying to get around you.” – ancient nyc proverb
My wife keeps telling me I need glasses
but I prefer to drink right out of the bottle
I’m thinking about redesigning my house with a brand new family.
Why call it a fake stone you use to hide your spare house key outside rather than a sham rock?
Host: Congratulations! You won the hot dog eating contest!
Me: *mouth full, sitting off to the side of the stage* The what?
“Don’t worry, the spider is smaller than you”
“Yeah….so is a grenade”
How to have sexy legs:
*Do lots of squats
*Go running 3x a week
*Point a spotlight at your favorite leg
*Shave leg hair into classy leg goatee
*Make sure your legs go all the way up
*You can never have too many toes
*Refrigerate legs when not in use
*Wheels
don’t let your artist friends wander off by themselves. you never know what they’ll agree to
recruiter: u should join the army
octopus: buddy I’m army enough as it is
The only person who might be able to conclusively prove I’m not Batman is Batman. And until he does, the jury is out.
I exposed my kids to comedy in the womb. I was hoping it would get me a better delivery.
[dragging bathtub into the kitchen]
Wife: What are you doing?
Me: Toaster cord is too short.
“I bet you’re sexy & not creepy at all. Send me a selfie.”
*sends 5 second video of myself staring and smiling*
me at 7: I wanna be a marine biologist when I grow up! That or a ninja, prolly both
me at 29: I don’t know how to wash dishes without getting my shirt all wet
A few years ago I began putting away a dollar everytime I wrote a good tweet about hedgehogs.
I need a new financial plan.
There are people who will follow you for your Avi, so either look cute or put a pizza pic.
My kid told me people go bald because they stop watering their hair
So sad that kids today spend so much time online. When we were kids we were always outside throwing rocks at one another, shoplifting at the mall, trying drugs… one time I drank gasoline.
Couldn’t remember the word ‘duck’ earlier so I called it a lake chicken.
I like to send little notes in my kid’s lunchbox, like “Sorry the Wheat Thins are stale, that’s what happens when you leave the box open.”
My son just blurted out “crazy that fish breathe a beverage” and then carried on talking about other stuff but I can’t stop thinking about it.
greatest 45 seconds in cinematic history
Ordered food and they got it right but labeled everything wrong. It’s like Russian roulette but if you lose, you still get a cheeseburger.