How old were you when you learned Red Velvet is a type of chocolate cake…?
I was today years old.
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Ours is the house that always has something on the roof that was never intended to be airborne
In Australia, pineapple upside down cake is called pineapple cake.
Your husband’s super cute, is he single?
Saw a guy this morning covered from head to toe in camouflage and sporting a fluorescent safety jacket…
You can’t have it both ways mate
I accidentally spilled Coke on my husband’s shoes, so now I’m waiting to see which one of my kids acts like a jerk first so I know who to blame it on.
It’s not a gang sign, I just have rheumatoid arthritis
I just tried to put my coffee pot in the refrigerator. I obviously slept very well and I’m on the way to a fabulous day.
Castro: I will not die until America is destroyed
Trump: I’m gonna be the president
Castro: well then
Forget Botox… if you really want to look younger, get braces.
Pro-tip: instead of telling a woman she looks tired, make her day by saying literally anything else
4 when I ask to play with him: please don’t touch my toys mommy
4 when I’m trying to take a relaxing bath: please accept every toy I own immediately
Hey,dogs barking, we get it: At the core of existence dwells an unspeakable malaise.
I can be back in bed in about 16 hours.
~me, every time my alarm goes off
it’s crazy you can’t just go to prison. if you want to get in there, you have to rob a gas station there’s no other way
Clothes shopping with my 11 y/o daughter when she declares she would love to dress in more bright colors but “at the same time, I’m a messy eater.” It takes many years for some people to reach this level of self-awareness.
Forcibly removed from the bowling alley for throwing overhand again
[sees my husband cry as i walk down the aisle at our wedding]
hey, this priest bothering you?
Imagine if dogs giggled when you tickled them.
There’s a reason when we have to smile for a photo we say “cheese,” and not “salad.”
*proposes to girlfriend*
*accidentally drops ring in the street*
“I’ll still marry you”
Sorry, I’m married to the streets now
In hell your dog dresses you in goofy outfits.
I’m so poor I can’t even pay for my own consequences.
I’m going to invent an app that tells you where the nearest bar is with no guy on a stool playing acoustic guitar.
ladies, if a guy…
-remembers your birthday
-knows what you enjoy
-saves your pictures
-harvests your data
-keeps your passwords in plaintextthis guy is not your man.
this guy is mark zuckerberg.
*casually walks into a crowded Sushi Restaurant wearing a dolphin costume* *suddenly stops, looks horrified, & backs slowly out the door*
You can’t fix stupid but you can fantasize about slapping the shit out of it.
Me: So what do you do?
Date: I’m a seismologist.
Me: No way! Can you…
Date: Please don’t.
Me: …guess my height?
I’ve never been to Pilates but I have tried to change clothes in the car.
I won’t be gratified sexually until someone dumps one of those big Gatorade containers on me after.
“Damn girl, you look hot”
Really?
“Like a sexy little italian car”
DID YOU JUST CALL ME FIAT?!?