I made a smoothie with oat milk. It was horrible. So next time I will use this recipe:
1.) Take carton of oat milk. Change name on carton to boat milk with sharpie.
2.) Next, float it out to middle of lake.
3.) Last, light it on fire like a Viking funeral.
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Deodorant? No, I’ve never needed to buy any. People just give it to me, complete strangers sometimes
There’s a line in 30 rock where Kenneth mentions that the mayor of his hometown is a female horse and I just today realized a female horse is called a mare. She’s the mare of the town.
[elementary school]
BULLY: gimme your lunch money
ME: no
B: *grabs me by shirt* I said give it
M: ok but this has to stop I’m your teacher
I don’t know who needs to hear this but putting the dead batteries in the junk drawer does not charge them
[1st day at the zoo]
boss: did you feed the animals?me: *looking at the signs that say don’t feed the animals* no
We got a tornado warning, and I’m too scared to open my windows. Don’t want any sharks in my house.
I just got invited to a zoom baby naming ceremony. If I wasn’t a part of the baby making ceremony I don’t want to be a part of naming it.
Me- Tonight’s menu consists of savory wild fowl and a side of greens a la creme de mushrooms complete with a robust sprinkling of onions
14- So Turkey and green bean casserole again?
*reads online that you should befriend your coworkers with some water cooler talk*
ME (to coworker): So, are you into water coolers?
Judge: For the crimes you have committed you will go to prison for 10 years
Me: That’s a long sentence!
Judge: Ok – “you get 10 years”
My brother says that after you reach a certain age, you become more concerned about the hereafter.
As in:
I cam into this room. what did I come here after?
When you have kids, “sleeping in” is just lying in bed trying to figure out what that crash was.
by milkshake she means trash and by boys she means raccoons and it’s a real problem in that neighborhood
Her: So what do you do?
Him: I’m a pickup artist.
Her: Pig! [leaves]
Him: *sighs* [puts away prints of exquisitely painted Ford F-150s]
There is nothing like the sound of a child’s laughter to remind you that your apartment is haunted.
Lately I do feel like my body and I are in a passive-aggressive fight that’s rapidly escalating.
Leonardo Dicaprio has addressed the UN about climate change.
Well if anyone should know about the dangers of melting icebergs, it’s him!
Wife: can you watch our daughter while I take a nap
Me: sure
Wife: don’t go outside it’s too cold
Me: I’m not an idiot
[10 minutes later]
It’s true I hear voices in my head but they speak Russian so I have absolutely no idea what they’re saying
My 18 year-old was complaining about her job so I told her it’ll be ok she only has 47 years left.
Dogs are the most loyal, protective creatures on the planet unless someone near you has food and then lol you’re on your own.
My arc would have been filled with wolves. I would have made a terrible Noah.
Hiring manager: what would you say are your greatest weaknesses?
Me: probably men with hairy knuckles. Oh, and a moist pot roast.
Me: BEAN!!! Come here!
9y/o Daughter: Mom, please don’t call me that in public
Me: Beanie Baby?
D: Mom. No.
Me: Okay! *pause* Girl spawn, woul-
D: MOM!!!
when someone compliments me
2014: lost 10 lbs, saved $135, ate $135 worth of candy, gained 10 lbs
You look like someone who keeps gloves in their glove compartment.
Stranger adds me to facebook
*has a panic attack*Creepy as hell stranger follows on twitter
*does victory dance*
I want the confidence of my sister in-law who said “Isn’t it considerate of these people to add a purse holder?”
You know how your mom used to get mad and start counting? I think the Earth is at twwwoooo.