“I’m just gonna pull on weird animal parts until something comes out that I can drink”
-guy who discovered milk
You Might Also Like
Alien: this planet sucks I don’t know how you do it
Me: *slowly opens pizza box*
Alien: dude
Guys disappear for days then say “wyd” ….no mf what were YOU doing!!
Not to be too edgy, but chocolate is now on average slightly too salty! It’s a nice change of pace, but not all candy needs to be seasoned like french fries!
Pilot is one of the few jobs where you can get fired for going above and beyond
( 12pm. )
Friends: Want to go grab some lunch?
Me: Nah, I’m on a diet.
( 12am )
Me:
DOCTOR: Push again, the baby is-
MOTHER: IS SOMETHING WRONG?
DOCTOR: [holding phone] No, I just caught a Jigglypuff up in there.
“That’ll be 14 thousand dollars please”
-Veterinarians
ME: I’m just gonna take a quick nap.
KIDS: Check out the new cirque du soleil show we invented.
*living room is on fire*
[seconds after I am done vacuuming the entire house]
My Dog: I LOVE YOU AND I HAVE BROUGHT YOU THE ENTIRE LAWN AND SO MANY LEAVES!
ME: it’s like a dream come true
UNICORN [speaking German and wearing a purple leotard while smoking a giant cigar]: you better enjoy it pal we had to pull a lot of strings to make this happen
After watching “101 Dalmations” I hoped my dog’s barking was to help others, but I think she is just spreading gossip.
I love it all
70% of the Earth’s surface is water. The other 30% is covered in advertisements for The Blacklist.
Me: What’s for dinner?
Her: Chinese.
Me: I will make the Duck Sauce.
*catches duck
*fires up juicer
Hear me out: a switch blade but instead of sharp metal a meatball sandwich pivots out
Me: I can never hear the alarm in the morning anymore.
Wife: Me either. We are getting old.
Me: Nah, I think it’s because we have become used to annoying sounds.
Wife: What do you mean-
[Kids start imitating hyenas]
-nevermind.
I see my dentist every six months to make sure my records are up to date for body identification.
Welcome to your 50s where the weekend means it’s time to try a new vodka and a new chainsaw at the same time.
Me: You just sat on my glasses.
Husband: *Stands up* What?
Me: While you’re up, can you grab some popcorn?
Falls for it every time.
Sean Swordd: mighty
Sean Penn: mightier
If someone is throwing shade, they’re doing you a favor. Use it, avoid sun damage; let your perfect skin be something else for them to hate.
No good deed goes unposted on social media.
I WISH I WERE PAC-MAN SO WHEN I GOT UPSET I COULD EAT SOME CHERRIES & EVERYONE AROUND ME WOULD TURN INTO GHOSTS
Nobody:
Absolutely nobody:
Me: In Top Gun: Maverick, Goose’s son should’ve been played by Ryan Gosling
My tacos arrived with a fork on the plate. I can only guess it’s there to stab potential taco thieves.
“I’ve invented the toaster”
SADISTIC CEO: What number toasts it perfectly?
“2”
SC: ok make it *cries with laughter* make it go up to 8
The Walking Dead is my favourite Easter show.
What do we want?
An end to auto-correct errors!
When do we want it?
Cow!
Sow!
Bow!
Tow!
Duck this!
Was pretty pleased my 6th grader took a break from hiding in his room gaming w/friends to bike 6 blocks to the library and meet friends.
“So what did you do there?!” I asked eagerly.
“There’s 3 computers in a row so we can all play at once.”
At least he biked 12 blocks?