My ambition is to be the last man on earth so that I can find out if all those girls were telling the truth.
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when it’s time for me to follow thru with plans I agreed to
Live, Laugh, Love
Leer, Lunge, Lactate
Do things that start with L
Everyone thought you could get a writing job from twitter but that never happens anymore its only for things like becoming the president
Eat food with the fridge open in front of the other food to establish dominance as well as prepare for the next feeding.
“I’m constantly quoting myself. Like right now, for instance.”
I just said that.
My university sends requests for money four times a year, so I send them my face in a dog filter.
Kanye West Presents:
KANYE ON BROADWAY
Featuring:
“Papa, Kanye Hear Me?”
“Kanye Feel the Love Tonight”
“I Am a Few of My Favorite Things”
Please don’t ruin it for me by saying, “You don’t know where that’s been,” when I find something cool on the ground.
[first day at coaching job where I lied pretty badly on my resume]
ok guys, get out there & do some of those *looks at clipboard* slum danks
My mother-in-law said that we should stay an extra day if it’s too snowy to drive.
SOMEONE LEND ME A SALT TRUCK.
When they announce
“all youths stay behind after church. Your Help is needed around the church premises”Me:
trust my gut? the thing that can’t even handle milk?
Whales go days, sometimes weeks at a time without giving anyone their opinion.
bank robber: everyone against the wall. this is a hostage situation
me, a person extremely susceptible to stockholm syndrome: [tries to hold robber’s hand] hey
🎶 I don’t think you’re ready for this jelly
How did the date go?
-Not good.
Aww what went wrong?
-*thinks back to accidentally popping a zit into her soup* She just wasn’t my type.
Niece: *screeching like a Valkyrie*
Me: *wasted, drunk-whispering which is just yelling*
Dad: *lecturing someone*
Sister: *bickering with husband*
FAMILY FEUD Host: THIS ISN’T HOW THIS WORKS!
Me: *throat-punches him*
Her: I could tell you, but I’d have to kill you
*she stabs me
Me:..but…you…didn’t…tell…me
She: Yes I did. You never listen.
I’m tired of conventional beauty standards that say I can’t wear a ski mask in a bank
An apple a day will keep anyone away if you throw it hard enough
Never look at the guy riding a unicycle, you’re giving him what he wants
“Moo.”
– hipster sheep
*puts leash around pet lobster*
I think there will be games and lots of friends to play with Pinchy
*walks into Lobsterfest*
COVER YOUR EYES
I once snuck my cat into a grocery store just to show him what a lazy hunter I am.
The two wolves inside me just ordered pizza
we talk a lot of shit about men but without them we wouldn’t have forensic files, 48 hours, dateline, some 20/20s, serial, on the case with paula zahn, cold case, my favorite murder, making a murderer, homicide hunter,
[Tattoo Parlor]
Me: Hi, I’d like to get a tattoo on my calf.
Calf: *nervous mooing*
I’ve been dating a girl online who I think might be a Catfish. Every time I try to meet, her excuse is that she “can’t survive on dry land.”
If we only could have known that nap time in Kindergarten was the best life/work balance we would ever achieve.
OnlyAcquaintances: you pay me $5 a month so i can message you “hey lets get coffee soon!” and we never get coffee