If you have nothing nice to say, tweet.
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Screaming out, “YOUR HARMFUL SIDE EFFECTS DON’T SCARE ME,” in a pharmacy, gets you moved to the front of the line, apparently.
Seriously joggers?! You’re gonna run and carry on a conversation at the same time?
And I’m all outta breath just finishing this McMuffin!!!
Turns out “pick the biggest one & punch him in the face” gets you more respect as a new prisoner than as a new 1st grade substitute teacher.
When you get hired your job should have to provide first and last months rent too, just to prove they can
Me: Those shoes are fresh!
12: Mom. No.
Me: Don’t be whack.
My husband washed the dog with my expensive shampoo again. I sure hope that crate is big enough for both of them to sleep in tonight.
I finally got 10 hours of sleep. I mean it took 4 days to get there, but still.
cop: “you’re drunk, get out of the car.”
judas: “bbut I’ve bbeen on tthe water all night.”
–
[jesus whistles innocently]
As a reward for graduating high school, please accept this basket of live cobras.
They’re upping my charges from prank bomb to non-Arab terrorism.
It costs $0.00 to be petty and I love free shit.
Sorry Im late, I saw that Spongebob episode where he’s a lifeguard but cant swim, even though they live underwater & now my brain is leaking
me: but jesus, I noticed that during the most troublesome times of my life there was only one set of footprints
jesus: (takes hit off vape) that was when you were being super sketch bro, like major vibe killer kind of behavior from you
merlin: whoever pulls the sword from the stone is the true king
arthur: oh, this sword?
merlin: by my beard.. what is your first order, my liege?
arthur: table
merlin: what?
arthur: [right in his face] and that shit better be a circle
“People are acting crazy” says the interviewed shopper with the shopping cart piled high.
Cashier: Want carry-out help?
Me: Please
*Richard Gere appears in Navy uniform & sweeps me into his arms-I’ve forgotten my groceries
7 year old neighbor informed me that they weren’t feelin’ my musical tastes this morning, so I’m not feeling giving him a ride anymore
Not tryin’ to brag, but my sex life is like a dormant volcano. It was fiery, but now it’s inactive. Also, I killed a bunch of villagers.
*Paper beats rock*
*Paper beats eggs*
*Paper beats his girlfriend*
*Paper beats his three year old*
[wine class]
Swirl your wine. Inhale its aroma. What do you smell?
ME: wine
Can you smell its buttery oaky notes?
ME: nope, still wine
riding my roomba around the house dropping crumbs and tiny pieces of shit in front of it in the direction i wanna go
Me: what are we doing today
Trainer: let work on your forearms.
Me: but I only have 2
T: What?!?
Me: *whispers* I only have 2?
i meant to share this earlier
Not to brag, but a news anchor started following me today. She recognizes a disaster when she sees one.
godzilla: *godzilla roar*
me: godzilla, can we try using our inside voice?
godzilla: (sheepishly) …may i please have a snack
If your wife asks “Why are you like that?” It’s a compliment, right?
wife: aww, you cleaned the kitchen counter
me, moments after dropping the water pitcher: yes, yes i did
I’m having trouble perfecting my dating profile
My husband isn’t helping with the wording as much as I’d hoped
Never forget that for every public official who is stupid and awful, there are thousands of ordinary citizens who are also stupid and awful.
Me: I want you to make me a better person
Frankenstein: you barely touch the one you have now