Me: He was choking. Seemed like he couldn’t breathe
Cop: Why didn’t you help him
Me: My dog was sleeping in my lap
Cop: Totally understand
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Queen: Mirror, mirror on the wall…
Mirror: Not exactly ON the wall
King: I said I’d do it at the weekend. Get off my back, Sandra
The way my 12 year old is using commas makes it sound like Christopher Walken wrote her essay.
Red cross: would you like to volunteer to give blood?
Me: oh, no thank you, I already involuntarily give blood 5 days out of the month
This line from Airplane.
Wife : The neighbours are banging on our front door again.
Me : Why can’t they do it in a bed, like normal people?
I know my computer doesn’t have a virus because I’ve never had an 8-bit skull and crossbones pop up onscreen laughing.
[someone breaks into the house]
Your dog: I will protect my family and our belongings
My dog: OMG OMG NEW FRIENDS HI I LOVE YOU LETS PLAY
It’s like the only thing my kids learned from Snow White is that fruit is horribly poisonous.
Stop sending me this shit.
I’m off to the store
got your wallet?
yes
you sure?
YES
*hour later wife turns on news and I’m being chased by 6 cop cars and a helicopter*
Yes, auto-correct, I wanted to wish my friend a happy 4th of Judy.
Marie Kondo: Ask yourself if it sparks joy?
Me: [looks at daughter’s bedroom and throws the entire room out]
Me: Be still you have something on your face.
4: Is it a snail?
Me: No. Why would a snail be on your face?
4: I don’t know mommy weird stuff happens sometimes.
There’s no “u” in narcissist
Inventor: …And so these closed captions will help a lot of people.
Investor: I can see what you’re saying.
It was the best of times, it was the worst of times.
-Me with beer, me without beer
[first day as a pilot]
control tower: what are your coordinates
me: I’m by a cloud that looks like a lion
control tower: can you be more specific
me: simba
There should be a tv game show where couples have to scroll through every streaming service looking for something they both want to watch and if time runs out, they get divorced.
I don’t ask a lot from an elevator, but if you can’t get the buttons right, what else did you screw up?
I have no theories as to what the apocalypse will be like.
But I do know my kids will still be asking for snacks.
People say I mangle metaphors, but you can’t make an omelet without beating a few dead horses.
Me: My car makes a weird noise when I turn.
Mechanic: For how long?
Me: Just until I’m done turning.
Mechanic:
Netflix: Are you still watching?
Me: Yes.
Netflix: Have you showered today?
Me: Um, I …
Netflix: And use soap this time.
Tammy is short for Tamuel
The White House released this completely unedited photo of today’s turkey.
‘If you call me from a Private number… I’ll respect your Privacy and won’t answer.’ 💥
She said she liked a man with a mouth on him and I admitted that I too like someone with all their face parts.
Barney: I love you, you love me
Me: *rolling over in bed* look I thought this was a no strings thing
Thanks for always acting surprised by breakfast in bed like you slept right through the great pots and pans avalanche of 6:45 AM.
Useful cooking directions would read: remove package from garbage, read instructions, repeat