Sorry I got confused & grabbed your fist bump like a doorknob.
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To the person that lost their iPhone 13 Pro Max at Costco… Please stop calling my new phone. Thanks
I haven’t used algebra in 3x-q years
My friend is mad at me because I saw her using a huge tablet to make a call so I offered her a gas cylinder to light her cigarette..
No one is as glued to any piece of reading material as a parent counting down the songs in the program of a really boring school concert.
Once I saved 10 kittens from a burning building and yes all the people died but look how cute they are
Breakfast: 200 calories
Lunch: 500 calories
Dinner: 800 calories
Snack before bed: 15,000 calories
Finally, you get a cab. The driver is a golden retriever. You hop in and hope for the best
oh nowwww everyone wanna know what introverts do for fun
This is my brand.
Me: I think my computer’s broken
Boss: just give it to the IT guy
Me: okay *walks outside and tosses my laptop into the sewer* good luck
Assert your dominance by crossing out your coworkers name on their food and put your own.
Then eat it in front of them.
Regular gangs give you a nickname
Rich people gangs give you a Nicholas Name
Under the age of one, babies primarily drink milk, but may supplement their diet with all the crumbs they find on the floor even though you swear you just vacuumed.
Back in my day there was so much Toilet Paper and Eggs, that we would throw them at the houses of our enemies!
My super power is being that person in all your crowd selfies staring directly into your camera.
MAYBE PEACH JUST LIKES BOWSER A LOT AND WE’RE FOLLOWING A NARRATIVE OF MARIO THE DELUSIONAL HOMEWRECKER.
*cops pull me from operating room*
Nature Fact: baby bears are born with fur because a mother bear can’t bear to bear a bare bear
Yesterday, myself, Miss 9 and husband were sat on a train in and around a man with a book entitled Surrounded by Idiots.
This a good idea
Julius Caesar was born with a silver spoon in his mouth and died with a whole bunch of cutlery in his back.
She was rare, like a Billie Eilish song I can actually hear at normal volume.
nobody:
90’s boybands:
(-(-_(-_-)_-)-)
Me: “Hey Siri, what color are your panties?”
Siri: “Why would I be wearing panties?”
Me: “Oh, you’re such a naughty girl, Siri.”
4-year-old: “Frozen” is on TV!
Me: We have it on DVD. And Blu-ray. And digital download.
4: Yeah, but this one is on right now.
That awkward moment when you lazily follow someone cos of 1 funny joke, then realize all the rest of their stuff is KKK recruitment material
You’re a guy, therefore you can’t “hehehehe”.
3-year-old: *sits at the table forever without touching anything*
Me: *eats one cold chicken nugget*
3: THAT WAS MINE!
Him: You’re not the sharpest tool in the shed, are you darlin?
Me: HOW DARE Y… Wait, did you just call me darlin
[on phone]
Of course I trust you, babe. Always.
*searches Amazon for mini spycams with 1-day shipping*
If you ever get locked out of your house, talk calmly to the lock.
We all know that communication is the key.