I’m new to confession. Is it normal for the priest to cry and ask for a priest?
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Teach a man to fish and you’ll have a lot more precious time to yourself in a quiet house with no one wanting something every 15 minutes.
Him: You need to be more active in your community.
My Community: NOOOOO!!!!
Me: OMG, what a great day!
Anxiety: Wait for it…
my first real experience with gang violence was the buttercream gang.
Job interview with the NSA
Applicant: Would you like references?
NSA: We have everything we need.
App: You guys!
NSA: I know, right!
“Have you tried just letting go?” Me as a therapist
“Whatever you do, don’t let go!” Me as a part-time mountain climbing instructor
Was a bad day at the office the time I mixed those two up…
My daughter is playing “Away in a Manger” on the recorder if anyone wanna come over.
I’ll be mad as hell!
Me: ‘Have you considered hydrotherapy?’
19: ‘What?’
Me: ‘Just take a shower, please.’
*me, at the bank, looking around in child-like wonderment*
so, this is where my 12 dollars lives
You’re in his DMs
I am wanted in 37 states for tax evasion
there are many humans in the household right now. and they all seem to have snacks. so i’m going to convince each and every one of them. that i have not eaten. in several weeks
Owls can make clicking noises with their tongues, often as part of a threat display.
🔊
I helped my neighbor out with something this morning and she said to me “I could marry you”. I couldn’t believe it. You do something nice for someone and they threaten to ruin your life in return.
Me: *doesn’t get enough sleep, takes an afternoon nap to make up for it*
My body: well look what you did now we have to stay awake until 3
“Hey baby, what dat mouff do?”
It eats. It eats a lot. That’s what.
I want you to cuff my hands behind my back.
Not for sex play but to keep my fingers away from the keyboard after reading some of the stupid shit you post.
them: did u get my email?
me: [saw it but completely forgot to respond] omg no can u resend?
doctor: i’m afraid you’re dying of asbestos poisoning.
me: 🙁
doctor: but we’ll treat you asbestos we can.
me: 😂
I’ve sustained two tea-pouring injuries so far this week. Suffice it to say I won’t be moving to London anytime soon.
Me: I want a snack.
Husband: You could have veggies.
Me: …I have never felt less heard in this marriage than I do now.
Had salad for the third night in a row and now I get why you’re so angry, vegans
“What do you prefer strength or length?” *How I talk to my friends … apparently about toilet rolls
wife: That guy is texting and driving! That is so dangerous!
me [holding a donut in each hand and steering with my knee]: So dangerous
No I’m not drunk driving
My kids just keep demanding I LOOK
doctor: your wife is not responding
husband: is she mad at you
There are two types of people:
-Those who have a nice stockpile of toilet paper, Purell, hand soap, frozen foods, and canned goods
-Those who plan on facing the apocalypse with nothing but a bottle of whiskey and their wits
The average lifespan of a cheesecake in my house is about 2.5 hours.
Chef: What kind of bread would you like? We have wheat, rye, white…
Me: Black bread.
Chef: We don’t have that.
Me: Racist.
When apologizing, it’s important to not let them see your fingers are crossed. I know that now.