I shrunk my husband’s hoodie in the dryer, so now I have to convince him that he gained 30 pounds overnight to hide my mistake.
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When a billionaire dies, who inherits their senators?
Me: Why is your sister listed as your emergency contact?
Husband: Because you won’t answer your phone.
Me: Yes I would! Maybe. Probably. Well, eventually.
[tries to walk into my How to Use a Revolving Door class and ends up outside again] what the heck
Me: I’m here for Unreliable Club
Guy: The meeting was yesterday
Me: I know
Guy *under breath* holy shit this guy’s good
The fact that no one on House Hunters has ever looked at a bathroom and said “I can picture myself taking a dump in here” is a tragically missed opportunity
The last time I danced at a party, someone told me I looked like a wildebeest on a frozen lake.
Morning my dudes.
Saint West, the patron of selfies
How I begin all my work emails: I hope you’re doing okay during this very difficult time of being away from me.
If Kevin Bacon didn’t acknowledge his kids as “Bacon Bits” I’ll be forever disappointed.
I figure soon we will be grounding our children by sending them outside to play
‘Black Swan’ is on HBO 2 if anyone wants to watch Natalie Portman masturbate in front of her stuffed animals.
My 5YO woke me up this morning to tell me she’s upset because her 1YO sibling woke her up. Is this the circle of life I keep hearing about?
*turns off life support*
*waits*
*turns it back on*
Me: How’s she now?
Him: Are you sure you’re a doctor?
Me: Doct… No, I’m from IT.
My husband booked a hotel room for Valentine’s day. It was wonderful. I had the whole house to myself!
My youngest just learned that he and his older brother have the same last name. He said, “You mean you never told me this?!” 😆
me: orders ice cream from grubhub
driver: makes 12 stops before my house
Just killed a spider IN MY BED!! So if you need me, I’ll be burning down my home and looking for a new place to live.
Two elderly British ladies greeting each other
Magician: I’d like a volunteer to be cut in half
Me: I’ll do it
Magician: You’ll never love anyone as much as you did Emily
Me: *crying* He’s good
Wife: What
It’s so cute he threw in “hereby” as if it means anything.
“I hereby order the Cubs to win their next 20 games.”
ah shit, i accidentally left my gender reveal pressure cooker on a crowded train
9 applied hot sauce to his cheek to cure sunburn.
*crumples up applications to Yale, UCLA, community college
Someone suggested a breakfast salad, and then I wondered why someone could be so mean.
*applies for million dollar grant to test scientific theory*
What’s your theory?
That money can buy happiness.
My neighbors are out in their backyard having an epic argument so it looks like the fireworks show is getting started early.
Look, I just feel like I shouldn’t have to bend over backward to get an exorcism.
I could never give up my dog, he knows too much
I’m going to complain about the cold until a Canadian gets mad enough to say something rude, like ‘I’m sorry but it’s colder in Canada.”
gonna start leaving comments on random tweets like “the power of christ compels you”