*gets whistled at, but by traffic cop
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Beer: When are you coming home.
Me: Right away honey.See. Marriage works. Just choose the right wife.
I can’t stop coughing. Think I’ll go see a movie in a crowded theater while slowly eating a bag of bone-dry popcorn.
I thought I was getting myself a new couch but apparently I was getting my dog a new bed
Hey babe i wanted to marry you but i had to ask your dad first and he said yes so i guess i’m marrying your dad
I’m pretty sure M. Night Shyamalan is directing 2020.
Week three of my new job, they’re all cunts.
There’s a weekly team call at 9am every Monday, what’s wrong with these people???
Some of you are too young to remember taking pictures and having to wait for the bird in the camera to chisel the image out on a stone slab and it shows.
before therapy: i hate people
after therapy: i feel good about hating people!
I hate when the hot person in my peripheral vision turns out to be a mannequin.
Him: I like powerful women.
Me: Gotcha.
*dresses up as a rhino*
ME: What’s your secret? You’ve barely aged a day in years.
MUSEUM EMPLOYEE: *into walkie-talkie* That guy who keeps talking to the statues is back.
My life is a lot like taking a road trip with kids, but it’s just me pestering the universe with:
“Am I there yet?”
“I want snacks”
“WHEN WILL WE GET THERE?!?”
“I have to pee again”
When people are trending on twitter, I know that they died or said something racist.
Having a little nap on the sofa before taking myself up to bed for my main sleep; I call that a snors d’oeuvre.
Nothing guarantees running into someone you know in public better than looking like a feral animal on two hours of sleep.
Apparently “You should Google it” isn’t the best response when she asks how much do you love me?
Sigh, women are so demanding..
Sorry I can’t help you move, my hands are in permanent air quotes
i have quarantined a small hotdog within the confines of a small crescent roll which i have quarantined in my belly
Was glad my kids didn’t scream for me to come deal with the bug but also concerned when they named him Jerry before they killed it.
I have strict instructions to my husband that upon my death he has to put that “in memory of my beautiful wife” sticker on the back of his car or I’ll haunt him forever.
But who am I kidding? I’m going to haunt him regardless.
How’s your Saturday going?
I’ll go first: my 10 yo came upstairs from his video game haze to tell me the dog peed on the rug again. We don’t have a dog.
I just discovered petting my dog counts as steps on my Fitbit. I’m unstoppable now.
Babymaking music but it’s the Benny Hill theme song
Is it okay for men to sit down to pee? The manager of this sofa store doesn’t seem to think so.
I feel like something is missing from my life and I don’t know if it’s a person, a puppy, or just a burrito.
I sure have purchased an inordinate amount of ringtones, for someone who keeps their phone on Silent.
I bet the guy who discovered milk did a lot of other weird shit too.
Other Mom: We just got back from a trip to the Caribbean, so we are trying to get our life back to normal. You know how it is.
Me: Totally. We just got back from a trip to the grocery store.
I’m keeping my wedding small. Probably won’t have a bride.
Welcome to earth! You have a choice of private parts. Would you like the one that creates life & bleeds or the constant bad decision maker?