I have my hesitations about Paradise City if the first thing you brag about is the color of the grass.
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If you tell me your kid is 22 months and I buy it a beer, that’s on you. That is your bad.
During this difficult time, I urge all parents to go through their children’s toys after they go to bed tonight and throw out any kazoos and whistles.
It’s too late for me, but PLEASE save yourselves!
Not allowed to stay up past 10:30 or I start Googling things like “how to start donkey sanctuary”
Taught my grandmother that “Jabroni” means “fine young man” and it’s made our time out in public way more interesting.
“Boint, B-U-R-N-T, boint.” – mafia spelling bee.
Airbud was on a human basketball team. I want to see a human running as a dog on a sled dog team.
Got tazed at the zoo again for telling a group of kids that some gorillas in the wild walk around carrying hammers and that they are called ‘Thorillas’.
I finally got my first interview since moving to the US. Almost able to say something more romantic to the GF than “you’re out of batteries”
inventor of pita: i have created bread in the form of a pocket.
assistant: aha so you can easily fill it with food.
inventor of pita: oh. [chuckles] oh it won’t be easy.
The sign at the zoo said “Please Don’t Touch The Animals” so I put away the book of poetry I was reading to them.
If you aren’t amazed by a plant showing up after you put a seed in the ground, we have nothing to talk about. Unless you’re like, really hot.
its always terifying when im alone in my apartment and i hear a small child’s voice say “hello” becuase i dread making smalltalk
As a kid, I didn’t want to get caught misbehaving by my parents.
Now I’m a parent. And I don`t want to get caught by my kids.
Bury me with my old records. It will be my vinyl resting place.
Me: I CAN’T BREATHE
EMT: *checks my pulse*
Me: I’M GONNA DIE
EMT: What happened?
Yoga instructor: He was putting his shoes on
Dear people that brush your teeth in the bathroom at work: stop that. You don’t live here. Chew gum like the rest of us.
They should invent clothes that get fat with you
Packs of underwear come in a resealable zip lock bag and STILL I have to use a chip clip to close my cereal bag with. Wtf.
FBI Agent: You’re accused of attempting to hijack a Mentos truck & drive it into a Diet Coke bottling plant
Me: …
FBI: …I kind of want to see that
Me: I KNOW, RIGHT?!
Anytime I need to leave my name for a server to yell out later when my order is ready I always say it’s “Marco”.
*shaves, waxes lip, plucks eyebrows*
Okay, weigh me now.
date: what do you do?
me: i’m a filmmaker.
date: oh what’s that like?
me: [shrugs] i inhale a lot of plastic fumes.
Her: I’m not going to keep pausing the movie to explain it to you
Me: I just have a hard time understanding
Her: they’re in that position bc he delivered the pizza but she doesn’t have any money
Two pyromaniacs meeting on match. com is the same as fisherman meeting on plenty of fish.
him: would you like to speak with the pharmacist?
her: no thanks
me, first day as a pharmacist: *under the counter* ask her why tho
I’m God’s gift to women if he stopped at a gas station last minute.
Gave my 8yo $20 to buy a Hawaiian souvenir so he found a seashell on the beach and spent the money on ice cream.
*caches football thrown from off screen* “Are you having problems with slow interne*video starts buffering*
Adopted a “failed” police dog who was given up for rehoming. Always been a brilliant addition to the family. Loving, caring, protective. Started to wonder why the cops rejected him. Then we took him to the woods where he saw a squirrel, got scared & ran head-first into a tree.