There are two types of women: the ones who buy cute new clothes for a trip and the ones who pack old stretchy leggings and tops expecting full well to gain 5 lbs in 4 days, of which I am the latter
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[When I offer my kid a new food]
Kid: I don’t like it!
Me: How will you know you don’t like it if you don’t try it?[When my kid is interested in the pint of ice cream I just bought myself]
Kid: What’s pistachio?
Me: YOU WOULDN’T LIKE IT
If you were the birthday gift I bought my daughter 3 months ago, where would you be hiding?
I have to stop saying “Because I’m Batman” all the time. It’s not cute anymore. Oh wait. Yea it is! You know why? Because I’m Batman.
Slept on the floor last night for fun with the kids and now I’m paralyzed
Always trust a glue salesman…
They tend to stick to their word.
Actions speak louder than words when you smack someone in the back of the head with a shovel
Son: Mom
Son: Mom
Son: Mom
Son: Mom
OUIJA BOARD: F F S W H A T ???
Son: Have you seen my other shoe?
I’d like you to meet my family, my wife Sharon, my son Carl, and this balloon that follows me around
If Bear Grylls married Chuck E. Cheese they would be the Grylls-Cheese family.
Called my mom on FaceTime and had a heart to heart conversation with her magnified thumb
I’m gonna be a professional farmer when I grow up. I’ve been wanting to get in that field for years.
Geez, I’m so sorry…I’m not normally ticklish.
(me to the nail lady I just kicked in the face during my pedicure)
all bases covered
Only cowards need to take bath salts to bite a stranger’s face
“U can legally stab someone if u suspect they’re a Gary.”
-no you can’t
*pulling knife from sheath*
“Sounds like somthin a Gary would say”
*runs into wife on the way to see his mistress*
Aww are those flowers for me?
-Uh…yeah
Is there a card too?
*with a mouthful of paper* No
I’ll grant you this, missing our scheduled call because you “had to chase and catch your pet pig” is the best reason I’ve ever heard.
If you press this button, you will get a piece of cheesecake but one person on earth will die so-
*me already pressing button* sorry, what?
I’m at a Metallica concert, and the woman beside me just used her phone to google “Metallica.”
[baby wakes up in the middle night]
“Go back to sleep, hun. I’ll sort it out.”
[puts baby on eBay]
If you die* in your dream, you die* in real life.
*pee
Never judge someone because they sin differently than you.
Who decided to call them “children”, and not ‘snot machines’.
Like sure, yes. Encouraging independent play is good for a kid’s development but like…these people sound like they just want to leave their babies in the wilderness for the wolves to raise
For the record, riding my unicycle to the bank robbery was a terrible idea.
Relationship- Significant other
Writer- Significant Author
Round Table- Significant Arthur
Corporations- Significant Auditor
Zookeeper- Significant Otter
by this time next year, Ariana Grande’s eyelashes will be so long that male peacocks will challenge her for dominance
Me: Has anyone ever told you that you look like Ryan Gosling?
Him: Me? No, but thank-
Me: Ok just making sure.
The only difference between a yard sale and a trash pickup is how close to the street the shit is placed.
My cat just knocked over my coffee mug and looked at me like it was my fault. How dare I put it on the edge of the table?