This is the part of the job I really hate [goes to work]
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I go back to work tomorrow, ending my 91 day weekend.
*wakes up in hospital*
What happened?
“It was a heart attack”
Will I be ok?
*a big heart outside slowly taps on window with a bat*
“No”
How pale and flabby do I have to be before I am legally a jellyfish?
Smelled my finger after I took the bandaid off of it.
Don’t do that.
chipotle guy: i didn’t charge you for the guac.
me: oh cool thanks man.
chipotle guy: no i’m saying i need your card back.
me:
chipotle guy: so i can charge you.
me:
chipotle guy: for the guac.
Sue: I’m off to the hairdressers, what sort of cut would make me look beautiful? *giggles*
Stan: A power cut.
If my wife thinks I won’t pick a fight in public because the waitress is uncomfortable, well she’s just wrong about that.
I’VE BEEN DIETING ALL WEEK!
I’M STARVING!
-Me, on a Tuesday
I used to give my co-workers nicknames based on their most dominant features, like ‘Loves Abortions Brenda’ or ‘Eats Her Feelings Julie’.
CHRIS: hey can I borrow a ten
KRISTEN: sure
CHRISTEN: thank you
KRIS: anytime
[spider’s junk email folder]
-TURN YOUR WEBS INTO $$$$
-HOT SPIDERS ON YOUR CEILING WANT TO MEET YOU
-TRY THE ULTIMATE 8 LEG DIET TODAY
I don’t invite ppl in bc that’s how vampire dens come about.
The Fast & The Furious 10: Now They All Work At AutoZone Together
For a dude who just shot a man in the head, the guy from Bohemian Rhapsody seems quite sanctimonious about getting spit on.
I wanted to tweet something but I think too many people would think I was 100% serious when I’m only like 87% serious.
Just because it’s called a “fireplace” doesn’t mean it’s the only place I can start a fire
[Batman at McDonald’s]
What’s your chicken sandwich called?
-A McChicken
And the rib?
-A McRib
[pulls out his batwallet] I like your style.
scared the mailman today by coming to the door naked.
Not sure if he was more surprised by that or that I knew where he lived…
[doing yard work] (evanescence guy voice) rake me up (evanescence girl voice) rake me up outside
[my wife looking at me through the blinds] oh god he’s singing again
Is there such a thing as filthy clean? Let’s take a shower together and find out.
I miss being a baby and having milestones. No one cares if you’re an adult and can lift your head or roll over on a blanket.
Never ghost your hitman.
People say having no friends as a child is bad but if I did have friends back then I would never have invented the frisbeerang.
The filthiest part of life pre-COVID was that we normalized blowing all over a cake and serving it to guests 😭
3: Daddy, please don’t do that joke anymore.
Me: Which one, buddy?
3: Any of them.
ME{from upstairs}: Honey, I’m gonna take a Bublé bath
WIFE: You mean bubble bath, dear
ME: Right
MICHAEL BUBLÉ: Are you getting in or what?
Who called it a foot falling asleep and not coma toes?
Watching cooking shows makes you realize how much forehead sweat is possibly in your food
There are no pants in heaven.
I’d like to meet those almond milk farmers. Shake their teeny hands.