M: I’m gonna go relax
H: ok I’m gonna clean out a closet and come ask you questions until you offer to help
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some people try so hard to be anti technology “i don’t watch tv i watch the sunrise and my favorite director is god” can u calm down
My 3-year-old said she wished we had a pet. I reminded her we have a dog and wow the genuine surprise on her face as it dawned on her that our dog is a pet and not just some other guy who lives here.
I’m not doubting that you’re 1/8th Pond People, but this is a research paper. You can’t cite “BOG WISDOM”
* on a date snuggling *
Me: Did you enjoy dinner?
Her: Yeah, but now I feel fat.
Me: Get your hands off my belly.
What idiot decided to call them koalas instead of awww-stralians?
Little kid *stubbing toe*: Gosh dang it!
[heaven]
Gosh: Why is it only kids get my name right?
Jeez Louise: Tell me about it.
Me: Hey Google Home.
GH: You can call me Google.
Me: *batting my lashes* My, you certainly do move fast.
*on a 1st date*
Her:..and I have 3 cats
Me: Swipe left
H: Did you say “swipe left”?!
M:
H:
M: *panicked whisper* swipeleftswipeleftswipeleft
Hate freeloaders who join in the New Year’s Eve countdown for the last 10 seconds. I’ve been doing this all year. Where were you back in May
If there isn’t an open bar at my funeral then count me out, I’m not going!
Bartender: what’ll it be?
Me: *pouring water on dino egg* we don’t know yet
Me: (plops myself next to 9 on his bed)
9: Wow. You’re heavy. You made a mini earthquake
Me: (pushes 9 off the bed)
9: What the heck was that?!
Me: Aftershock
3: [eating] I want Pirates of the Caribbean
me: yeah, well people in hell want ice water
3: [smiling] I already got ice water
Am sitting in horrible traffic, but fortunately someone is beeping their horn so we should be on the move soon.
– at a ramen restaurant –
Me: slurp
Me: sluuurp
Me: slur-
Friend: stop, the food isn’t even here yet
Me: im practicing leave me alone
Ladies, if he:
-Disappears once a month
-Goes through phases
-Make you feel crazy
-Is drifting away
-Has a dark side
-Controls the tidesThat’s not your boyfriend. It’s the moon.
Reviews of Hogwarts
⭐⭐⭐⭐⭐
“The very best school of wizarding and witchcraft”⭐⭐⭐⭐⭐
“Great teachers, superb quidditch field”⭐☆☆☆☆
“At least one student dies every year”
*friend you haven’t spoken to in years posts photos of their marriage*
wow thanks for the invite beth did our 6 weeks of drivers ed together mean nothing to u
Gluten free pizza is like a roller coaster that just goes straight.
(Puckers up & makes best kissy face)
Officer taking mugshot: Stop that.
As someone who lost his pet worm at a RFK Jr event last year this is the worst day of my life
I use a “retirement calculator” every morning before I leave for work to make sure I’m on track financially and I only have 1718 years to go
just tried to put my phone in my pocket when i was wearing a towel so things are going great
Lucifer: what if we make lots of bugs?
God: love it, it’s done!
[3 days later]
Lucifer: how was your trip to earth?
God: *covered in bug bites* i’m moving your office to the basement.
Everyone: backing into parking spaces is stupid
Person who backs into parking spaces: the world is not ready for my level of ingenuity
“I detest drama!” I declare with a flourish of my cape, and the back of my hand over my forehead.
how did people track fundraising before the invention of the thermometer
[My first day as a garbageman]
Text from wife: You forgot to take out the trash.
Me: Goddammit
I just want to be wealthy enough to not have my windshield wipers sound like a congregation of dying frogs.
What Did I Just Touch and Why is It Wet!?
A Parenting Story