Me: I’m really proud of you for keeping your hands to yourself today. What would you like to do as a reward?
2: Hit my brother
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Twinkle twinkle little whore, close your legs they’re not a door.
Hub: Still mad?
Me: Jack & Jill went up the hill
H: To fetch a pail of water
M: Jack fell down & died a violent death
Hub: Ok, still mad
Today I learned just how long ten minutes are by doing an ab workout.
Coffee so strong, you finish the “to do” list, that you haven’t even written yet.
How to get ready for things :
1. Procrastinate for 5 hours
2. Panic 10 min before leaving
When the world is about to end, I hope we know about it in advance so I can stop doing laundry.
me: I think I left my phone charger on the plane
flight attendant: are you getting into the life boat or not
Life’s not about waiting for the storm to pass, it’s about learning how to Riverdance around a broken bottle of olive oil in aisle 6.
The best part about sex is the roundhouse kicks.
Here is a wonderful thought for all those who are fighting for their mental health during the COVID19 crisis. You are not alone. We are all in this together. Reach out to one another and inspire, empower and support one another. Stay safe.
📸: @thesproutingsunflower
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🟧🟢⚪️🟡🟢not wordle, just some fried rice ☺️
Her: “chicks dig scars”
Wolverine: “damn it”
Is it “nemesis” or “nemeses”? I’m renewing my wedding vows.
[during sex]
me: imma turn the ceiling fan on
giraffe wife: *on top* noooooooo
[speed dating]
Her: I’m a little bit country.
Me: I’m a little bit ready for the next person.
I love surprising my girl, today she woke up single!!
Removing the pots and pans quietly in the morning is the adult version of Operation.
Me: I want us to get married.
Her: You’ll have to ask my dad first.
Me: Ok but he’s already married…
explaining to the tech that having to change into a gown for a chest x-ray doesn’t give me a lot of faith in the process
Of course my husband went into sales. He told his drill sergeant at basic training he was allergic to fish because he didn’t like fish and got a sandwich made for him. IN THE ARMY.
When I said that you’d always have a place to stay in rough times, I meant like a motel or a shelter. Anyway … You can’t stay here.
Daffodil totally sounds like an insult, you blooming daffodil
[red carpet during zombie apocalypse]
“Who are you eating?”
Announcer: In one corner, her will to live. In the other corner, her sanity. Let’s get ready to crumblllllllle
him: how long for a table
me: they’re about 5 ft across
him: no the wait
me: about 78 lbs
Boss: Are you high?
Me: If I was high could I do this?
B: What? You aren’t doing anything
M: sorry I’m super high. What was the question?
If I vaped, I would 100% become a ninja so I could disappear into a cloud of strawberry watermelon.
me: I got a cookie just for donating blood
friend: *woozily waking up* whose blood
*Judge raises hammer* “I SENTENCE YOU TO LIFE” -*defendant chuckles* “I’m already alive you MORON!”
scientist: the production of cereals l is destroying the seas. Soon there will be no seas left
aptain runch: why do I always get blamed?
sientist: ause it’s your fault