Have to prepare for a work meeting so instead I cleaned my entire kitchen, hung up some paintings, varnished another, and organized my art supplies.
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@funTweeters OH MY GOODNESS!! THANKYOU SO MUCH!! I JUST STALKED YOUR SITE!! LOVE IT. AM HONORED!! <3
If it turns out there is a Heaven and Hell, I’m still screwed. I owe people in both places a lot of money.
Facebook: People trying to save the world one uneducated post at a time
I instantly feel horrible when I judge someone, so I stopped.
Now I make rational conclusions based on insightful observations.
SON: Dad, were there any doctor shows like Grey’s Anatomy when you were a kid?
ME: Yeah.
SON: What was it called?
ME: Grey’s Anatomy.
If you want to set up a company and run it then that’s your business.
Urgent: do vampires need to be invited into each individual apartment in a building or do they just need to get in the lobby?
anime mfs be like “i promise it gets better just wait till episode 561 bro”
No matter how many candles you burn, you can’t bake bread. Follow me, for more wisdom
You don’t scare me. You’re not an undetectable patch of ice on a 70 mph expressway.
You, a basic, typical hacker: Steals credit cards and identities
Me, a diabolical hacker: Syncs your Twitter account to your phone contacts and unblocks your family’s accounts
Genie: I will grant you one wish
Me: I wish to be healthy and fit in both body and mind
Genie: I said a wish, not a miracle
Wife : A jogger was murdered in the park last night.
Me : Well that’s all the motivation I need. *Goes for a jog in the park*
*at Starbucks*
7yo: can I order for you?
Me: sure!
7yo: my mom wants the drink with the salt on the rim. She has it allll the time!
If I had to choose one word that encapsulates me, I’d say skin.
Gas is so cheap right now, I just buy a new car when I run out.
Well, she was raised to refer to dinner as ‘supper’ so obviously it wasn’t going to work out in the end.
i’m gonna start paying to get trapped in an escape room just for an hour of alone time
i lost so much hair in the shower i thought Chewbacca had joined me
DATING IN YOUR 20’S
“It’s not going to work out I don’t like the way he chews”
DATING IN YOUR 30’S
“It wasn’t even a felony and he was never convicted. Also living at home makes sense bc it allows him to be close to his mom & it’s walking distance to the Pizza Hut he works at”
when you miss someone’s call by one second and immediately call back and they don’t answer. what’s going on there. did your telephone explode. did you fall into a chasm.
me: i’m going to buy the box of snack size bags of chips so i don’t eat so many calories
also me: [eats 32 snack size bags of chips in one sitting] well this didn’t work out.
Disguising marmite as honey seems like a good way to get dumped on Valentine’s day
this is one of the funniest videos of all time
“Is there really a fire? Prove it.” -Mrs. Doubtfire
Just once I’d like to yell, “Don’t you know who I am?!” because I’m important, not because I’m drunk and actually forgot.
A single text to my mom is like pulling that loose thread on a sweater.
Me: Hi. I’d like to deposit a large amount of cash.
Bank teller: Ok. Where is it?
Me: No, I said I’d like to.
JELLYFISH: *to friend* Want to see something disgusting? Watch this.
*stings person*
FRIEND: That wasn’t dis…
JELLYFISH: Wait a minute.
I just got a Facebook invite to my brother’s non-alcoholic Mormon wedding.
I dunno which part of that sentence makes me want to cry more.