Dr. Oz says rubbing coffee grounds on your naked body prevents cellulite. But apparently you can’t do it in Starbucks & now the cops are here.
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Me: I just want to swaddle you in a baby blanket and rock you to sleep.
Son: Can you just say bye to me like a normal mom?
Me: *grabs his head and rubs it like a crystal ball* the spirits say no.
I’m a vegetarian for the health reasons. Now pass the cheese fries.
Me: Can I order the conch fritters please?
Waitress: The “ch” is pronounced like a “k”
Me: Okay Bick.
Samantha from Facebook wants everyone to know she & her family are going on a cruise next week just in case you want to break into her house
Do people who bring bikes on the subway know about riding bikes?
[getting murdered]
“Listen, I make a badass grilled cheese if this can wait?”
My whole life is like when you’re talking to someone and your gum falls out of your mouth.
moms will remember every detail of your high school friend but never their name. “Who was your friend from high school who worked at the sub shop on Thursdays and she had brown hair with caramel highlights and she tripped during prom photos and she had two tiny moles on her neck”
I hate camping with my English teacher friend because he insists we only use the perfect tents.
Follow your dreams. Stalk them relentlessly. Hide behind plants & cars. Don’t let them see you coming. When they least expect it, attack.
toddler: daddy do you like this book?
me: no
toddler: *snuggles in* perfect
Why is tater the only food in tot form? We can do better. We deserve better. We demand better.
[creating flamingos]
god: here’s your legs
flamingo: can I just have 1
god: no u have to use 2
flamingo: [narrows eyes & sucks teeth] we’ll see about that
When people in movies get fired, they all have that one little box with a framed picture on top. You worked there for 17 years, why don’t you have more stuff?
Sorry I was gone for 3 years. I went on you-tube to watch to just one video.
Advantages and disadvantages of keeping bees in the pocket of my jeans:
Advantages
– If someone steals my jeans and then puts their hand into the pocket, they will regret stealing my jeansDisadvantages
None that I can think of
*waits for a sign*
*dead bird falls from sky*
*waits for another, better sign*
a beautiful woman should never have to send an email. yet such tragedies occur everyday
*Hands girl a card that says Be Mine*
Girl: Aw that’s so sweet
*Pulls out a pickaxe*
Me: Come on, do it I need some iron ASAP lady!
I think my nephew finally figured out that there’s no chameleon in this cage & that his Xmas present is a cage.
Taking my car to the shop see you in $2000
I can help anyone quit smoking by spraying them with hair spray as they light their cigarette.
If you’re wondering how lazy I am today, I just pulled a chair up to the fridge.
Me: “I just want a girl who likes Star Wars as much as me.”
Hot girl: “I like Star Wars”
Me: “Oh yeah? Name all 3 security guards I blew to get my own private tour of the Starship Enterprise!”
The neighbor kid talks a lot of shit for someone who isn’t allowed to leave the yard.
Anyone interested in a 4 year old whose new hobby is wall art? Porch pickup only.
Me: Maybe shouting “harder baby” during CPR training was not a great idea.
Security Guard: Keep walking. Stop talking.
Twister 2:
Climate change makes tornadoes evolve.
They work together.
We can’t beat them.
We team up instead
The twisters destroy ISIS.
Bacon causes cancer.
Canadian bacon apologizes.