The happiest dog I ever saw was a golden retriever trotting up the street one morning with an entire pizza hanging from his mouth.
It was just before camera phones were widespread. I parked my car and watched him, then continued on to work.
You Might Also Like
DATING TIP: Hold the door for your date. Rip the door off its hinges. Use the door as a weapon to fight off other men. Establish dominance.
Keen silence from a dinner guest as she looks across the living room and realizes I made her bridesmaid dress into a dog bed.
Blood’s thicker than water, so remember to pull back on the flour a bit when you substitute it into your baking.
Not everyone realizes this, but if you clean the pile of receipts out of a purse and stack them together, it makes a teeny tiny book about why you’re broke.
Robber: Give me your phone and don’t try anything funny. *looks at my tweets* Ok, I see that you haven’t.
I packed 5 oranges in 5 different lunches today and all five oranges came back home. Apparently, I send fruit on field trips.
I don’t simply want to kill a mosquito, I want to bite them back over and over to make them itch
ROOF GUY: That’ll be $15,000
ME: I thought you said it was on the house
Did you know that nuns have to eat a banana with a knife and fork?
Most problems can be traced back to the day you were forced to watch your teacher put a condom on an unsuspecting banana
Most common statement made to me at the class reunion, “I heard you were dead.”
[at dinner]
Me: *rubbing sugar on my gums*
Wife: What are you doing?
Me: I dunno…saw some cool guy doing it in the bathroom
pilot: we’re about to crash
passengers: OMG
pilot: this wedding
passengers: phew
pilot: cause we’re gonna run into this church
[neil degrasse tyson voice] the film is called Home Alone but thats actually a misnomer. in fact, kevin was joined in his home by 2 burglars
The secret society of the bean keepers is called the leguminati.
My current situation
It’s kind of annoying that my wife said something about glistening but when I asked her to repeat it she just got mad.
[dinner]
prince eric:ariel:
prince eric: I’m sorry I’m still uncomfortable eating seafood now that I know they can sing
ariel: no no, not this crab
prince eric: *taking bite* ok, good
ariel: he was just a backup dancer
Everyone getting arrested and losing their job for storming the Capitol building are realizing why their grandparents wore hoods.
It’s pretty wild how we used to lick each other to say hello
Him: What? I couldn’t understand you.
Me: gnbkfshbffjjg
H: What?!
Me: GNBKFSHBFFJJG!
H: Damnit Aimee! Take the burrito out of your mouth!
puting flowers in my hair to accentuate my dirt like quality
The transplant surgeon was almost at the hospital when he realized that home was where the heart was.
How do people get their drivers to murder someone? Mine sulks if I ask him to fetch groceries.
Nothing makes me feel more “white collar” than when I’m nodding my head at someone pointing to a line graph that I know nothing about.
[first day working at DMV]
Me: I hope you like paperwork
Guy: I am not a fan
Me: *cautiously lifting paperweight* sounds like something a fan would say
Me: well someone woke up in a fowl mood
Turkey: *getting dressed* please lose my number
How far is it from the Earth to the sun?
10 CVS receipts.