How come no one in a zombie movie has ever seen a zombie movie
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don’t usually brag about helping people, but when I saw an old lady drop her groceries, I yelled: “lift with a straight back!” it felt good
The loudest sound on Earth is my child asking an inappropriate question about another customer at the grocery store.
I’m invited to a wedding this weekend.
I have two days to come up with a disease or cut off a finger.
I wear Lacoste shirts with the little crocodile on them because when shit goes down I want crocodiles to know that I’m on their side.
*puts on sports bra*
Well, that’s enough exercise for today…
Age 8: “Being a werewolf would be fun!”
Age 18: “Being a werewolf would solve all my problems.”
Age 28: “Being a werewolf is an escapist power fantasy for emotionally stunted children.”
Age 38: “Being a werewolf would be fun AND it would solve all my problems!”
Me: I’m not interested in this tweet
Twitter: Idgaf
*The Proclaimers put on a Fitbit
Fitbit: Awww, Hell No!!!
I love the idea of a fruitarian, just morally affronted that anyone could eat a baby spinach.
Blind Date Tip: In the middle of dinner throw a surprise punch to see if they are really blind
Pro-Tip: If you’re going to use chlorophorm on someone make sure you don’t inhale it yourself.
[Inventing limes]
God: we need a fruit that is useless without alcohol
2-year-old: The dog tastes like dirt.
Me: Don’t lick the dog.
2: He licked me first.
“You need to chill out, you’ve yelled at everything that isn’t a snack.”
–my 10 year old
“Can I pet your dog?”
“Sure, but he can be aggressive.”
[He pushes a pamphlet about the dangers of gluten towards me with his nose]
Her: Give me a chat up line?
Me: Uh ok, are you a zookeeper?
Her: *laughs* Because I’m so captivating?
Me: No, you smell like an animal.
Me: Honey, I’m going on a burrito run, you want something:
Her: No, thanks I’m not hungry.
Me: *Buys her her own burrito cause I ain’t dumb*
[aliens invading our home]
Wife: TAKE OFF YOUR SHOES, I JUST VACUUMED
If you think it hurts to lose a boyfriend/girlfriend, you’ve clearly never lost close to 500 GB’s worth of data on your hard drive.
Hello, my name is Pierre.
TEACHER: Its report card day Timmy
TIMMY: I’m scared to look.
TEACHER: Don’t worry. It’s all B’s lol
*opens it & gets engulfed by bees*
HER: Let me know when you get your shit together.
ME: So I guess this is goodbye.
Hey, I may not look like much right now, but believe me, in the morning I’ll look even worse.
i sadistically pat the top of my sandwiches before eating them like good job now you die.
Sometimes at the gym I’ll struggle and make all kinds of awkward grunting sounds, but eventually I’ll get my shorts on.
What’s that? There’s a Harry Potter marathon on TV? Cancel all my plans!
My cat: Meow
Yes I know we have all the DVDs…
#IHaveJustEnoughMoneyTo pay my phone bill so I can call my credit card company to tell them I don’t have money to pay them.
Before you get paranoid about the lack of people interacting with you on twitter, remember Jesus only had 12 followers in his day, and look at him now.
[getting a massage]
Me: I have tension in my lower back.
*therapist begins*
Me: Lower.
Me: Lower.
Th: But that’s your a-
Me: Lower!
I ate an entire pound of blueberries today so honestly I hope some oxidants try to step to me I’ll send them crying to their mommies