If you’re reading this & I’m married to you…
Come join me in the bath.
Bring snacks.
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Jehovah’s witnesses are at my door.
*Lights black candles, dons flowing dress, opens door, and says seductively, “Are you the keymaster?”*
Do you ever really know if your bagpipe is in tune?
Nobody:
Mime:
Mute person:
Fight club member:
Parrot:
Torturer who just boldly claimed he had ways of making people talk: oh no
🎶Where did you come from?
Where did you go?🎶Me, seeing a mouse run past me across the kitchen floor
My pet bird bit me so I showed him a picture of a rotisserie chicken
doctor: *handing me newborn baby* do you have a name for him?
me: uhhh *looking around room* mop
doctor: it can be whatever you want
me: stegosaurus
doctor: hell yeah there we go
My mother’s maiden name is Password.
I’m not one to bet, but I’d put $50 on the fact that the waffle was probably created when someone accidentally stepped on a pancake.
SCIENTIST: Let’s name this spider Long Legs, for its long legs
SCIENTIST 2: Hmm not kinky enough
Can someone call my keys? I forgot where I put them
*Password must be hard to guess*
New Password: H0neyWhatDoYouWantForDinner?
Oh boy, it’s that time of election year when all the politicians start wearing jeans to get down on the level with us regular folk. You’re gonna need to wear a kilt and the blood of my enemies if you want my vote this year, Brad.
I think it might be my birthday but I deleted my facebook account so I really have no way of knowing.
Jacob Marley: You’ll be visited by 3 gho—
Me: *already applying lipstick* Are they hot?
Unfortunately, the house having ‘period features’ turned out to mean we had to get the decorators in once a month.
My fitness instructer keeps asking if I squat.
No Gary..I rent. I’m not a hobo.
Only short people can save us
Prayers for my husband who texted back “k” when I said “Happy Anniversary, hoping for 25 more years!”
Geesh you avoid someone for 6 months and right away they assume you ghosted them.
*cleaning Dorito dust off of a crayon drawing of Spongebob* yeah I restore art
Amazon will acquire Roomba and there’s nothing scary about Alexa on wheels.
If you weren’t supposed to eat 15 Oreos in one sitting, they wouldn’t package them in rows of 15.
me: [trying to sound cool] I’m in a punk band
cute co-worker: that’s cool. What the band’s name?
me: [looking over desk for ideas] Inbox(29)
“if anyone asks, i’ve been here the whole time”
I’m a go-getter. I’ve started my New Year’s resolutions now so I can have them broken by Jan 1st
[Running a marathon]
Guy beside me: are- are you wearing tap dancing shoes?
my first real experience with gang violence was the buttercream gang.
I only Googled how to make a bomb so I can be sure I don’t accidentally have bomb making equipment in my house that would get me arrested in a surprise police raid.
Cop: And yet, here we are…
i’m so bad at rock-paper-scissors, last time i accidently joined a street gang.
Batman: I am named this because I fear bats.
Incoming Phone Call Man: Buddy I get it.