DOCTOR: have you been drinking enough fluids?
ME: that’s literally all I drink
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I always thought people prefer eating chicken with their fingers, and yet, it appears I’m the only one in this elevator with a drumstick in each hand
*First guy to make bunk beds
Hey Jim, you wanna sleep on top of me but not like on top, on top
I like when candies have offseasons, like Easter is the Super Bowl of Cadbury Crème Eggs and then the eggs go rest up for training camp
BREAKING: I am a medical miracle
Thigh gap? Give me some corduroy pants and I’ll start a fire.
Survey: Are you a Democrat or a Republican?
Me: Labels are for soup cans
Survey: Can you tell us which way you’re leaning?
Me: Clam chowder
A big difference between men and women I’ve found is that if a woman says ‘smell this’ it’s likely to smell nice.
Probably the worst sound to hear is a crying baby because best case scenario there’s a baby in distress near you but if there isn’t then you’re about to face horrors beyond compare.
Relax, everything will be fine eventually, for like 7 people
*dusts off treadmill*
Alright, that’s enough cardio for one day.
i slap your apartment floor and ask you what year it was made. you don’t understand so i do exactly the same thing again
My favorite sport ? Lasagna
may I borrow your hand mixer? I found a pumpkin carving hack that will destroy mine.
It’s funny how—especially in small towns—we think of lit porch lights as a symbol of welcoming. I leave mine on so the guy who paints himself purple won’t steal any more of my chairs.
I enjoyed JOHN WICK 4 and its over-the-top glee, especially how many stairs he falls down. When you think that’s all the stairs he’s gonna fall down, nope, more stairs
My 8 yo daughter’s idea of cleaning is sitting in front of the fridge and eating all the food.
There’s so many streaming services and shows I just make shit up to recommend to my friends. You gotta watch Red Water on Home Depot Plus. It’s incredible. They just go “yeah I’ll check that out” like we all do when we know we won’t.
“Trust issues? HAHAHAHAHA”
–Pluto, the former planet
ME: I’m ok. I’m ok. It’s just cramp.
GYM INSTRUCTOR: Ok, tie your other lace and lets do this.
When they say jump, you have to be ready to say, into which volcano.
Why would I want to talk to your baby? On the phone. It’s a baby. If I wanted to hear random noises when I talk, I have a husband for that.
A group of eavesdroppers is called a heard.
I’m sorry I said you were cute before I knew your personality
both dogs refuse to go out to pee in the rain so i have to lift each one up and heave them out the back door like i’m a bouncer and they just got in a fight
Just a reminder that when Shakespeare was quarantined because of the plague, he wrote King Lear.
*a conspiracy theorist on the titanic talking to other passengers as the ship slips into the ocean*
oh, you think an iceberg caused this? frozen water cannot penetrate a steel hull. it’s impossible. you need to wake up. this is a controlled sinking…
I don’t have Covid, but when my doctor did the test, she asked, “do you want to do this the hard way or the easy way?” Who would choose the hard way?!
Prayers for my distraught 4yo whose pet leaf just blew away in a gust of wind
i wish we could shoplift online
Okay, raise your hand if you put raisins in your oatmeal cookies.
Great. Now, make a fist with that hand & punch yourself in the face.