[during sex]
me: hurt me
him *makes me a peanut butter sandwich using crunchy peanut butter*
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He has found a brilliant way to automatically keep all the horses warm, fed, and clean.
He’s a stable genius.
It may snow in Atlanta so I just bought 47 loaves of bread and now I’m headed out to the interstate so I can get stranded in a good spot.
Being married means never having to say you’re angry. You can clearly articulate it just by the way you breathe.
Wife: what do you want to do for you birthday?
Me: not answer any more questions.
[office]
Me: Happy Black Friday!
Latisha: …
Me: I made a cake!
Latisha: …
Me: …
Latisha: …
Me: …
Latisha: …
Me: It’s chocolate.
Her “I think my homeopath is poisoning me.”
Him “How can you tell?”
Her “I got my water tested and there was no trace of poison in it.”
My sense of humour has been described as “oh god..” and “please stop, this is a funeral”.
My goal whenever I open my car door is to have a bike rider crash into it and hope that they are escaping from a crime scene.
I came home to find that my son had installed the air conditioner in his bedroom window.
I told him, “You did a good job, but it’s actually supposed to go in like this.”
I then proceeded to drop his air conditioner out of the 2nd story window.
There is no moral to this story.
goes back in time to kill alexander hamilton so my wife will stop singing those god damn songs but when I return to the future I find that they just kinda worked my time machine into the musical
I’m the kind of girl people don’t look twice at
Even when I hit them hard with a shopping trolley one, two, thr…
Yep, now he’s looking
Everyone hates on the dentist but at least they don’t try to weigh you.
@Holy_Mowgli @funTweeters Glass repairman: I’m shattered
The secret to immortality is looking like a slob. Have you ever seen a ghost looking like shit? No. No you have not
Love triangle? You mean this Dorito?
dave is coming over
“normal dave or dave whos alwayes doing impressions of evrybody we know”
[from outside] hi guyes, its normal dave
“noooo
I dunno will I understand the new Fast & Furious if I haven’t seen the previous 47?
i’m lonely just not “inventor of the boomerang” lonely
[Audition for the musical Cats]
Director: Act like a cat for me
Me: I’m not doing anything to impress you
Director: Perfect
I’m so hungry I could eat an apple
detective: where’s that footage from the silo robbery?
me: i deleted it.
detective: why?
me: it was all grainy.
well well well if it isn’t my neighbor thinking he can sit on a porch better than me
If you, don’t know, how, to properly use a comma don’t use, them ok.
the worst part of senior prom was definitely dropping my date and my grandfather’s ashes going EVERYWHERE
If life was fair, piñatas would take sticks and beat the shit outta little kids to get their candy back.
Too bad the Kardashian show couldn’t be like “The Ring” and kill anyone who watches it.
Me: “Oh, this is my dinosaur, Rory.”
Him:
Me:
Him:
Me: Roarrrr… get it?
Khan: Revenge is a dish best served cold, and it is very cold in space…
Kirk, who is from Iowa: Oh, you think space is cold?
me as a kidnapper sending my second ransom letter when I haven’t gotten a response yet to my first one: hi all! just following up
WIFE: *all cute* you wanna make me French toast?
ME: *not looking up from my phone* I would never make you kiss anything you didn’t want to, Sharon.